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Bi Beginnings.

I came out as Bi at the age of 17. That was many years ago.

Here is what I heard.

  • You’re probably just a lesbian.
  • You’re confused.
  • You  just like sex too much. Editors note: Really is there a too much on that one. 😉
  • You just haven’t met the right man.
  • Have you even had sex with a man/woman?
  • How do you know?
  • You have to grow up.
  • Pray it away.
  • That’s sexy. Wanna have a threesome?
  • My boyfriend loves Bi girls.
  • I don’t want to date you. You just can’t make up your mind.
  • You’ll grow out of it.
  • Could you have sex with me so I can try it out. Editors note: This one always came from allegedly straight women.

I could go on but you get the gist. A lot of things have happened in the years since that day but suffice to say it was not a phase and I am still as Bi as I have ever been. I started using Twitter this year and what I found is very little has changed since I came out. Bisexuals still face the same Bi-phobia I did and, in some ways, it is worse because due to the proliferation of social media there is intentional ‘outing’ of those not quite ready to make their sexuality public, there is cyber-bullying, there is cyber-stalking. It almost makes the Bi-phobia I faced seem ‘quaint’ in comparison. However, the truth is that Bisexuals still struggle with their identity, still spend more time in the closet than gay men or lesbians, have a higher suicide rate than gays or lesbians,  and have difficulty finding a supportive community. It felt good, even in an online forum to dispel some of the toxic assumptions that cause so much pain and heartache for the Bi community and so I decided, perhaps, I could provide the same support in blog form to young Bis, to those just coming out at a more ‘seasoned’ age, to those who don’t have Bi friends in their geographical location or to those just tired of all the ‘weird bi-phobia’ that we have to put up with all the time. It also felt freeing to do so without the 140 character limitation. 😉

There are a zillion blogs out there…some that’ll help you with sex questions/some providing information about polyamory/some strictly political in nature/some with answers to kink questions/the list goes one. I don’t purport to be any Bi expert but I have been around a while and maybe (I hope) I have accumulated a little wisdom on the subject. This will probably be a mix of political/social information, hopefully some laughs,…but most importantly support for those struggling, those doing ok but could be better, those tired of the anti Bi bullshit, or those just looking for a place where it is absolutely ok, no…fantastic to be Bi. In my view, being Bi is a gift, a joy, a delight, a superpower and I would not change the way I am for anything or for anyone!

When only 28% of Bisexuals come out as compared with 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians (per 2013 Pew Research Center survey) we know there is a serious problem. Bis don’t feel safe. Bis don’t feel supported. We have to work to change that. My personal solution is ‘radical visibility’. I make every effort to make sure the people in my life, the people at work, the people I come in contact with on a regular basis know that I am Bi. It may seem a small thing but almost everyday I have an opportunity to say nothing or say something. I choose to say something. I choose to speak for those who don’t feel they can.

If anything I share helps one person, supports one friend, heals one heart then my mission is accomplished. I just hope I can do more. ❤ Together we can create a community where Bis feel supported and where they feel safe enough to be visible.

Dear Bis. You are valid. You matter. You are important.  I see you. We can do this. ❤

 

Bye Bye Biphobia!

Well, it has been a rough week Biphobia-wise.

It is really rare I let any social media commentary get to me. I am sure of myself. I am certain of my bisexuality. I have a very clear view of what is and is not ok when it comes to folks take on bisexuality. However, it really occurred to me how incredibly difficult it is for folks who may not have had the time and support to build a strong Bi+ foundation. How very heartbreaking it has to be to see your sexuality diminished and, sometimes, deliberately denied in the media. It does not really matter what your age although I do worry about the youngest among us. The young people who may be a bit uncertain about who they are but who are starting to understand they are bisexual.

In a nutshell, I saw a post on Facebook about a new trilogy of books for queer kids. Very promising, or so I thought, until I realized the trilogy was about a gay boy, lesbian girls and a trans kiddo. Trust me, representation matters and I was very happy to see specific picture books with lovely illustrations which showed queer kids. However, where was the bisexual young one? I asked and the author was more than a bit snippy about it. I was told if I had the money to publish a fully illustrated book about Bi kids to have at it. And, that the book about the lesbian kids could have had a Bi+ character as we should not assume about someone’s sexuality. When I asked if the narrative explicitly stated that one (or more) of the characters were Bi I was told no but that the young reader could come to their own conclusions. My response was that true representation did not involve interpretation on the part of the child. There were other comments I won’t dignify with placing in my own blog but suffice to say there was lots of laughter and derision at the expense of Bi+ folks and the kids we all were.

There are a number of things this underscores…notably, that Biphobia and Bierasure are alive and well. We have a long way to go for the larger LGBTQ community to accept Bisexuals despite (or maybe because) we are the Queer Majority.

As always, there are ways we can deal with the twin evils of Biphobia and Bierasure. First, remember how much you matter. How valid your sexuality is. I cannot emphasize enough that Bisexuals have been activists and advocates for the Queer community since the very beginning and we deserve respect.

Remember when you look good, you feel good and if you look Bi you feel Bi and you make it clear you are not willing to accept disrespect. Wear that Bi+ bling. You will look ultra fab, trust me on that. I know when I wear my Bi earrings or Bi t-shirts I so often get a knowing glance from another beautiful Bi and frequently get a ‘me, too’. Knowing we are out there matters a lot. You can truly make someone’s day when you are being out and proud.

Remember who you are and how many Bi+ folks have created culture: David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Josephine Baker, Sylvia Rivera, Lady Gaga, Sara Ramirez, etc etc. We are everywhere and remember you have a legion of Bi+ beauties who live and love like you do.

Call people out when you hear biphobia and bierasure. Anyone saying Bi people don’t exist? Well, let ’em know you are here, queer and ready to stand up for yourself (safely, of course).

Always remember to take care of yourself. Whether it is reading positive blog posts (hint, hint) or following a positive social media account (I am on Twitter and Insta and sometime soon, I hope, TikTok) or reading Bi history or just taking a moment to appreciate the magnificent creature you are. You matter so much. So many more Bi folks are coming out every damn day. Our community is strong and getting stronger and more visible all the time.

Be kind to yourself. If you need to rage do it. If you need to cry it out, do so. Those emotions are not signs of weakness they are just signs that you are a real human being who sometimes feels fragile in a world that just does not elevate and celebrate Bi+ folks as they should do. It is totally normal to feel down sometimes. Just remember how noble you are, how noble all of us are and how we are here to change the world for our Bi+ sibs. Speak up. Speak out. Be strong. We can do this if we do it together.

Renew Everything Sucks" Metal Print by telescopium | Redbubble

I see you.

And, as always, you look amazing.

The diversity of the Bi+ community always fills me with joy. We love without boundaries. Some of us have specific preferences, some of us don’t. Some of us are very certain of our gender identity, some of us aren’t. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Some of us are out, some of us aren’t. Some of us are quiet, some of us are not. Some of us are activists, some of us aren’t.

We are a scintillating spectrum of Bisexuality. As a rule, we are folks who by our very existence push the limits of sexuality. We are trans, we are cis, we are non-binary, we are genderqueer and our preferences can be all over the map. Our preferences can change and shift throughout our lifetimes. Personally, I love how diverse we can all be but still belong under the shelter of the big Bi+ umbrella.

Is it sometimes challenging to have folks who have such differing ways of expressing their sexuality? I think some may think so but, for me, it is one of the things which has always made me proudest of my bisexuality. We all do Bi our own way and that is awesome. I get particularly enthused when I think of how many younger people are identifying as having a fluid sexuality. We are already the Queer majority but just imagine how are numbers will be growing in the coming decades.

Right now, it feels like a tipping point to me. More and more folks are coming out as Bi+ and it is becoming much more acceptable to do so. Is there still biphobia and bierasure for us to deal with? Oh, hell yes….I still want signs and t shirts to mention bi phobia in the same way they do homophobia and transphobia and remember that the B is not silent. I still want to have more funding for the LGBTQ community that is earmarked for the Bi community. I don’t want ‘research studies’ to prove we exist. We all know that. It is abundantly clear. However, I would love research to be done into the disparities faced by the Bi+ community and how that affects us psychologically and physically.

If you are out and being bivisible. Thank you. You never know whom you may inspire by being your badass Bi+ self. If you aren’t out and feel you can be, safely, then please consider coming out during our Bi Visibility month celebration. The more of us the merrier and so many of us are out here to support and celebrate you. Join us, there is strength in numbers.

Bisexual Visibility | OutRight Action International

Bisexual Healing

Whenever I say this I hear Marvin Gaye’s song, Sexual Healing. If you have never heard it check it out on the YouTube or streaming music platform of your choice. Then grab your partner and start to ‘operate’. If you want a serious 80’s vibe watch the video. You can thank me later. : )

In a more serious vein, we are heading into almost 6 months of #Queerantine and the bi-solation is taking it’s toll. I think I speak for most of us when I say that. I am certainly feeling it.

There are far too many bisexual folks who are not part of a larger Bi+ community and operate on their own. This is tough because we are not seen, recognized, validated for our sexual identity. And, yeah, if our sexual partners are not part of our immediate circle we are, if we are responsible human beings, probably not seeing them in order to stem the tide of the pandemic. Challenging to say the least.

To be clear, I am not talking about sex here. As a community, we derive support and celebration from being with and seeing other Bi+ folks. Knowing that there are others who are on the bisexual spectrum provides us with validation and knowledge that we are hardly alone. It reminds us we are card-carrying members of the #QueerMajority.

This isolation might be felt most keenly right now as it is BiVisibility/Pride Month. A time when there tend to be a few more activities that support all of us. Not being able to participate in communal celebration of our bisexuality can make us feel very adrift.

And, then, there is sex, to be considered. Amiright?

Are all Bisexuals poly? No, certainly not. Are some of us? Yep. And, even if we aren’t polyamorous being set adrift without the camaraderie of our community is a major challenge. In regard to sex, we may have the answer right in our hands with various smart phone apps that can connect us. ; ) Is this a totally satisfying alternative? Not really, but probably the best pandemic option we have.

So, what is to be done. How can we feel more connected to other Bisexuals? I wish I had all the answers on that one. Luckily, there is the internet. Make us of it. Check in with other Bi+ folks you know just to make sure they are doing ok. Let them know, even in these trying times, you are representing our community all day, every day and in any way you can. If you are active on social media post positive and affirming messages about Bisexuality. You never really know whom you might reach and inspire that way.

Also, take a look online. I know the Bisexual Resource Center plans a virtual celebration of Bi Pride on 9/24! Check out their FaceBook page for more info on that.

We aren’t alone. We’ll be able to meet face to face again. In the meantime, wash your hands, practice social distancing and wear your mask. Sending lots of virtual Bi+ love to all of you.

Am I Bisexual Quiz? - Same sex Quiz

Bi-solation during Queerantine

I was inspired to reflect upon how Bisexuals are doing during these bi-solating times. It is a rainy day here where I live and this pluviophile not only loves it but loves the time for thought it allows. I mean, we already have so many challenges in building Bi+ supportive community I think this is another layer which makes connection that much more difficult. I know, for myself, as an organizer of our local Bi+ group I have had some moments where I have felt very alone….and that is with a Bi+ partner, Bi+ kids and Bi+ friends. Prior to the pandemic, I knew I would have the opportunity to see and connect with another Bi+ person (who was not related to me…lol) at least several times a month and I miss that. I can only imagine what it is like if you are not out and have not made any connections within the community.

Today is IDAHOBIT 2020. On this day only 30 years ago the World Health Organization finally stopped thinking of queer-ness as a medical/psychological illness/disorder. I was 32 at the time. I recall feeling elation that no one could call us ‘sick’ without our knowing that the international medical community did not agree. That was a watershed moment. Those of us who were Queer knew there was nothing wrong with us but it meant a great deal to see that corroborated.

I just wanted to let you know, my dear Bi+ friends, that this too shall end. We’ll come out of this strong. In the meanwhile, take some time to try to virtually connect with other Bi+ folks.

Check out:

http://stillbisexual.com/

They have an email listed to contact and have ongoing bisexual virtual support groups available. Know you are not alone and the Bi+ community is still here, still queer and being safe to protect all of us. : )

I also encourage you to think on how best to find your community wherever you live. Bi+ groups are on Meetup and there are some regional organizations to touch base with. As always, do what feels right for you, be safe and be your glorious Bi+ self.  I hope you will consider being as out as you can be safely and to step a bit outside of your comfort zone to make meaningful Bi+ connections. The more we see and acknowledge each other the more the larger LGBTQ community will be required to recognize our validity and our visibility.

Even if I am not writing often I think about y’all often. We are the majority of the LGBTQ community and our health and wellbeing matters, a lot. Sending you a big virtual Bi+ hug.

 

 

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Lead Bi Example

If you have a connection with Bi+ activism you will not have been able to miss the kerfuffle about the usage of the Bi flag. To be clear, I have not been directly involved but have been following developments as they have unfolded on social media. My inclination, without being a person in the midst of this, is to think that the current BiNetUSA President is acting like a bully and being reactionary.

The Bi flag is the property of the community. It is a rallying cry to show our value and our visibility. I often where Bi+ bling when I go out into the world and when I see a Bi+ sib we acknowledge each other. It might be something as obvious as ‘that’s me, too’ or just a quiet wink but we both get the message. Obviously, I encourage people react to what I am proclaiming in whatever way feels right for them.

I thought the idea of Virtual Bi+ Pride (a celebration to make us feel more connected right now) was a lovely one and something sorely needed in these challenging #Queerantine times. Of course, I expected that our colors would be liberally sprinkled throughout the festivities. And, why shouldn’t they be. Alas, there was at least one person who truly took umbrage at the whole affair. From what I have seen it truly sounded like sour grapes and gatekeeping. That is the last thing our community needs at this time.
I hope it has been made abundantly clear that this bullying on the part of the current BiNetUSA president is not acceptable or accepted by the majority of the community. It seems that the Bi flag creators are not on board with the territorial take on flag usage. I found that a great comfort. It made me worry a bit less about waving my Bi flag proudly as I try to keep working on creating safe space for my non-monosexual pals.

The bottom line is that unless you are a leader others want to follow you are doomed to failure. Circling wagons to protect someone who acts with disregard for others is never a good look. People make mistakes. I have certainly made my share. But closing down communication, excluding folks who disagree, and refusing to have a dialogue is not a good look for anyone and certainly not for a group that ostensibly represents a community in need of leadership which ennobles and enriches us.

I hope BiNetUSA (the President and those who remain on the board) will consider having a conversation about this incident and apologize to those hurt unnecessarily.
Bi+ community which is inclusive and evolving is so important. I know I would have loved to have national organizations available when I came out over 40 years ago. Our numbers only grow when people feel as though they are not confronted during disagreements. Otherwise, too many folks will be left out of the equation. Let’s do better bi all of us.

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Queerantine Continues!

The truth is far too often Bisexuals are isolated. Dealing with the challenges of Covid-19 may make us feel even more so. For our part, we had started baby steps to create Bi+ community locally. Now, our meetups, activities, and events are suspended. Indefinitely. Health concerns aside this was something which was beginning to sustain many of us. To be in connection with other Bisexuals really meant something. Pride festivities are even postponed. This is often a touchstone for many of us in the Queer community. I had suggested in another post that we take the time to inform ourselves about our community and try to maintain connection virtually. We are moving in the virtual direction. That is as soon as we figure out to be as inclusive as we can be virtually. More on that to come. Stay tuned.

In the meanwhile, how about using our Queerantine status to watch television shows with Bisexual characters and storylines.

If you need something to keep that mojo working I highly suggest Sense8. Sadly, cancelled by Netflix it definitely had some of the most luscious, diverse humans to be seen and a twist and turn type storyline which definitely keeps you guessing.

Another great TV show with a kick ass Bisexual character is Brooklyn 99. Rosa Diaz is a tough as nails detective in the 99th precinct of the NYPD. Her coming out story was very believable and will probably resonate with many of us who have been there. They continue to weave her bisexuality into the storyline. Rosa’s sexuality is just one aspect of her personality, an important one make no mistake, but not the only thing that defines her. It is treated in a matter of fact way. It is just who she is….not overly sexualized, not sensationalized…she is just Bi. Plus that word is used liberally and that is important for the audience to hear.

For a fun-loving, sexy af pansexual look no further than Captain Jack Harkness on Doctor Who and Torchwood. I am a lifelong Whovian and I have loved it as queer characters have been seamlessly woven into canon. If Captain Jack does not get you firing on all cylinders it is definitely time for you to recharge. ; )

Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex Girlfriend) is probably one of the most charming later in life coming out stories I have ever seen. Darryl is a truly good guy and totally at ease with being a Bi guy. Bi men have a particularly difficult row to hoe sometimes and to see a character so at peace with who he is and so welcomed and supported by his friends and family is truly delightful. Valencia (another character) also later is Bi when she ends a relationship with her male fiance and later becomes involved with a girlfriend. The great thing is no one really bats an eye. Exactly how it should work. Enjoy Darryl’s very danceable video about gettin bi. It is a true delight.

Then there is GILLIAN FUCKING ANDERSON as Stella Gibson in The Fall. Feminist icon and kick ass detective she is a joy to watch. In addition, there are some truly torrid scenes to spice up your self-isolation. ; )

And of course, I would be remiss if I did not include Sara Ramirez’ Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy. This quote will always resonate with me: “So, I’m bisexual. So what? It’s a thing and it’s real. I mean, it’s called LGBTQ for a reason. There’s a ‘b’ in there and it doesn’t mean ‘badass’. Okay, it kind of does, but it also means ‘bi’.” For that alone, this Bi-fierce character is the stuff of legend.

Stay tuned cuz #BiRepresentationMatters. I will provide some more bi-watchable media in the coming weeks. Take care, my beautiful Bi+ friends!

 

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Being Bi in a Time of Quarantine

I doubt there is anyone reading this who is not aware of the Covid-19 pandemic facing the world right now. I live in the US and we are but taking baby steps to address, contain and try to control the virus. Other countries are facing the same struggles. I do not wish, in any way, to diminish the severity and importance of this crisis. It is serious and we need a surfeit of sanity to deal with it. My heart and soul goes out to anyone dealing with this. I can only hope this reminds us of the importance of community. Community really matters. Supporting our neighbors makes for warm and caring neighborhoods and it just mushrooms from there.

Community is on my mind due to the pandemic but also because it is Bi+ Health Month. I worry a lot about my Bi+ siblings. We suffer mightily from social isolation. We suffer from a feeling that we are not supported by the larger LGBTQ community. And, we often have the worst health outcomes of any other initial in the LGBTQ acronym.

Bisexuals are much less likely to be out to the important folks in their lives. Only 28% of Bi+ folks are out as opposed to 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians. This narrowing of our own community leaves us alone and without a supportive cohort. The reason more Bi+ folks don’t come out is rampant and relentless biphobia but the outcome of our unlikelihood to be out means we are isolated. This results in the next extremely sobering statistic that we are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than straights and 2 times more likely to commit suicide than lesbians or gay men. There are many reasons for this and certainly bierasure plays a major role.

My real intention here is to point out that even as we self-isolate to prevent the spread of Covid-19 we can reach out to our Bi+ community. We can learn more about ourselves and find more peace and positivity in coming out, even if it is only to ourselves. The first step in being authentic in public spaces is allowing ourselves to say who we are to ourselves in our private lives.

If we start with elevating and celebrating who we are in private we can start to take a small step from a closeted life to one brimming with connection. Then, while you spend time at home take the time to educate yourself about Bisexual history, notable Bisexual folx and the challenges the Bi+ community faces. There is a college of knowledge out there and you should take advantage of it (links included with this blog post). Knowledge is Power.

Start with Bi.org and the information about notable Bisexual/Pansexual/Omnisexual/Polysexual folks in addition to articles and resouces and ways to get involved in our community and it is there for the reading.

https://bi.org/en

More resources here and an informative blog….along with info and research about the community.

http://biresource.org/

Another excellent site:

http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/

This gives you a little something to start with as you wile away the hours at home. It is always constructive to learn more about your community.

For my part, I will be spending as much time as possible working on organization and outreach for my own little local group, Bi+ Pride Mke. We are small but we are mighty and growing Bi+ diverse and inclusive community close to home. If you are interested in what we are doing check out our website or our Facebook page.

 

https://www.bimke.org/

Beautiful Bi+ Friends, wherever you may be, stay safe, stay strong and stay healthy during this challenging time.

 

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A Gender Journey Fairytale

Once upon a time a little human was born. This little human was happy and healthy. The parents of the little human thought she was a girl. They dressed her in dresses and pink and patent leather shoes. Those clothes felt uncomfortable for the little human but that is what they had to wear so they wore them. They were often told ‘girls don’t do that’, ‘girls are quiet’, ‘girls are weak’, ‘girls wear dresses’. A little time passes and the human decides they like short hair, they like wearing pants, they know they are strong and they also know that they don’t seem to fit in….anywhere. A long time passes and the human grows up and even starts to grow old. They dress as they like, they act as they like, they understand who they are, they are loved exactly as they are  and they are very happy. The End.

 

Goodness, if only it had all been that easy. My gender journey was nowhere near as linear and simple. When I look at pictures of myself as a child I see the short hair, I see the more masculine gestures, I see someone who feels very uncomfortable in dresses but I don’t really see a gender rebel. I see someone who ignores the gender binary, who ignores expectations but I don’t see someone who actively flouts them. Getting to the point of feeling comfortable in my own skin, expressing who I feel as though I am in terms of my gender and finding language to express who I am took many long decades. It also took a vocabulary which helped expand and express who I am. I think of myself as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid and, on some days, agender. I don’t feel particularly womanly but I don’t have a problem with the way my body is configured.

As a teenager, I refused to wear makeup, I would not wear high heels, I definitely stood out from the crowd at my all-girls high school as someone who did not fit in. I felt a little lonely but never felt as though anyone actively discriminated against me for how I chose to present myself. I was a little more likely to encounter bi-phobia than have someone question how I looked. I suppose, in retrospect, it could be that I was sort of dyke-y in my appearance and folks may have assumed I was a lesbian. Well, as much as folks in the mid-70s really thought in those terms regularly.

In college, I found some bi peeps and other queers with whom I hung out. I tried to express who I was, in terms of my gender, but androgynous did not really seem to match the abundant curves I had and using that terminology was something willowy demi-boys and demi-girls used. There just did not seem to be a vocabulary for who I was. Admittedly, being involved in ‘gay liberation’ as we called it back then took up a lot of my time and my sexual orientation took a front seat and my uncertainty about my gender sort of dropped off the radar.

As a working person, I ended up with a kind of ‘professional uniform’ which was mostly monochromatic, close fitting trousers, usually a white shirt or turtleneck or t shirt. Outside of work I expressed a dramatic flair that was not bound by gender, at all…berets, scarves, leotards, construction boots… I think it was my way of being a ‘character’ and by doing that no one expected me to look like a traditional female. It was about this time I started to feel that there was something missing in terms of language for how I saw myself and my gender. I spent time in the library trying to find a clue but didn’t. I am not sure I would have known what I was looking for but I spent time in the ‘human sexuality’ section thinking I might be able to find some information which would encompass me.

I married a cis gender man who never felt the need for me to be anyone other than who I am. There was comfort in that. We had three kids. My pregnancies were very easy and our kids were healthy. However, everything about pregnancy was sooooo gendered that for the first time in my life I felt truly dysphoric. I definitely felt ‘at variance’ with all the female terms and expectations pregnancy seemed to involve. Now, this was 3 decades ago and I know things have changed but while I found the pregnancies exciting and being a parent a welcome challenge the clothing and everything else associated with pregnancy just felt ‘off’. I managed by going back to more of a uniform look instead of the flowered and flouncy outfits available for most pregnant people.

And then slowly but surely, and thankfully, language started to expand. In high school, my daughter had friends who were trans and genderqueer. As always, if they were not welcome in their own homes they were supported in ours. I would hear them talking about their gender journeys and a great deal seemed to echo my experience. Even if, at first, the language and terminology seemed foreign to me I eventually had an ‘ah-ha’ moment when I realized that these young folx were experiencing precisely what I had done a long time ago. A feeling of discomfort with gender roles and a desire for a more encompassing universe for gender.  I started to see language which felt like a definition of me. Non binary, gender expansive, agender. I still was not sure where I fit in, exactly, but the language felt like home. I know I am not cis gender woman. I usually say I am a bisexual, non-binary woman. Although some days I feel more gender-expansive and some days I feel more agender. My gender is as fluid and on a spectrum as my sexuality. While this journey took a long time it is actually, still ongoing, and has definitely been worth the uncertainty. One thing I am certain about though….I am glad the language has evolved and is helping many folks, not just me, understand who they are.

 

 

 

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Are you an ‘active’ bisexual?

Me: I’m Bisexual.
Other person: Are you…actively bisexual?
Me: Well, I am certainly not passively bisexual. In fact, I am being ACTIVELY BISEXUAL right now.
Other person: Oh, umm, ah….are you attracted to me?
Me: No.
End scene.
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Are you actively bisexual? That is the silliest and, depending upon my mood, the most annoying question I get asked. It stems from the idea that to be Bisexual I must be concurrently engaged in a sexual relationship with someone of all the possible genders in the universe. Not only would that be time-consuming (and, yes, it might be fun for awhile) but the likelihood of my finding that many folks at one time I would like to date is unlikely (not impossible, mind you)
Of course, when folks use the term ‘active bisexual’ they are, without fail, thinking of sex. They are also functioning from the mythical notion that all bisexuals must be sexually involved with all genders at all times. As stated above, that would mean I would probably not doing much else other than having sex. Could I do that? I like to think I still have a fair amount of stamina. Would I want to 24/7? Probably not. I do, in fact, have some other interests.
It is ridiculous to think that if I am not currently engaged with folks of all possible genders that I am somehow being ‘passively bisexual’. That is not an option. My sexuality is always flipped on. It is something I carry with my physical body everywhere I go. It does not mean I am attracted to everyone. It simply means my bisexuality is a fully integrated part of my being….like having blue eyes, or being radically left on the political spectrum, or being a musical omnivore,or being a bookworm. Bisexuality is a complete and total part of who I am as a human being and something I am never passive about.
This idea that Bisexuals are always sexual is demeaning and diminishing. Many of us think about sex, a lot. But, as stated above, it is not the only thing we think about. Seeing us as simply sexual beasts does not take into account the wide spectrum in the community (from aces to hyper-sexuals) and that all Bis have their own way to express their sexuality.
It can also be isolating to think of Bisexuality as only the sexual aspect of who we are. It is much more than that. It is our unique way of seeing the world and the beauty of individual humans. I can see a beautiful, sexy person without thinking of every single one of them as fuckable. Bisexuals are not predators and we take consent as seriously as people of other sexual orientations.
So, yes, I am actively Bisexual every single day and like all Bisexuals expect acknowledgement and respect for exactly who I am. : )

 

Edit: This is a repost of an earlier blog post. Given it is Bi Health Month I think a little humor goes a long way. As Bisexuals we definitely have a challenge to educate but also to maintain our own equilibrium. Every one of us has to decide how much we are willing to provide regarding our sexuality, our sexual history, our relationship status and how we express our own bisexuality. We are under no requirement to share any of the above. The fact that we say we are Bi should be enough. It is for folks of other sexual identities/orientations. No one questions a straight person who says they are straight….whether they have been sexually active or not. It is simply expected that the person knows who they are. Bisexuals deserve the same acknowledgement and respect. So, my dear Bi+ folks, be yourselves because you are beautiful just the way you are.

 

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Bi+ Platinum

Ok, Bi+ Universe….I am looking for some ideas/suggestions.

I organize my local Bi+ group. Bi and large, I am the oldest person in the room at our events. I don’t mind being the sage elder…lol…but i often long to converse with folks closer to my age who have had a few more experiences under their belts.

I think this kind of group is important because Bi+ folks, of a certain age and experience level, have probably heard it all or at least most of it. By that I mean, the biphobia, the invisibilizing of their sexuality, the challenges that come with trying to maintain one’s Bi identity throughout the ups, downs and all arounds of life.

In addition, older Bis often have some unique challenges if they have never come out of the closet and may benefit from the support. I also like the idea of creating a sub-group in our larger Bi+ local community that can show younger folks that Bisexuality is not a phase and a beautiful, magical lifelong identity.

There are some groups for older Queer folks but, in general, they are comprised of gay men and lesbians. While we certainly would want to have a presence in our larger Queer community I also think there are unique delights and challenges for older Bi+ folks.

In addition, ageism seems to be the last discrimination society can employ with impunity and I think the cameraderie we could create for each other would be a wonderful template for younger Bi+ generations.

So, all of this said, I would love your ideas. What would be an appropriate name for such a group? I thought of Bi+ Platinum as it speaks to the value Bi+ elders should have in our larger Bisexual community. It has a little of a corporate credit card sound though….so, other ideas are truly welcomed. Silver Sages? Too witchy? I don’t object but others might. Bi+ Prime. It has a rather cool matrix type sound. B+ perennials? It gives the impression that we have ‘been around’….and that is certainly true. We have a long view.

Anyway, this is on my mind. I want to make it happen. It is on my vision board for this year….along, with a shit ton of other stuff.

I am just throwing this out to the universe and hoping inspiration will return. : )

In closing, Bisexuality is a lifelong gift. It does ebb and flow due to its fluid nature but it never goes away. It is always a vibrant part of our identity. Bisexuality should be embraced and celebrated no matter how old we are and I aim to create intergenerational Bi+ community that acknowledges and elevates the work done by our Elder Bis.

Stay tuned as I work on this project. : )

 

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