If you’re reading this you, more than likely, know what Bisexuality is. Bisexuality is the potential to be physically, sexually or emotionally attracted to folx with genders similar to and different from your own. It really is that simple. If you know, you know. 😉 It can wax and wane over a lifetime. You can be more attracted to one gender for a time and another for a different time frame. You can always be equally attracted to folx of all gender identities all of the time. Bisexuality is as unique as the Bisexual. And, to be clear, the label you use for your non-monosexuality is as unique as you are, too. You can be Pan, Poly, Omni, Bi, no label, all labels. That is entirely up to you. You define yourself. Always.

Can someone think they are Bi and maybe, possibly, down the road have a different view of their sexuality? Of course, they can. We can never insist that someone stay in a box because we fear the myth (and it is a myth) that Bisexuality is just a phase. Could it be for someone whilst they figure out precisely who they are? Yes, it very possibly, could be. There are many reasons someone might consider themselves Bi and later have a much different view of their sexuality. Perhaps, as they have more romantic/sexual experiences they figure out what it really is that turns them on and brings them joy. Perhaps, societal heteronormativity made them ‘try on’ the Bisexuality label only to find it, too, does not fit.

As Bisexuals, we are so often doubted when we say who we are we must accord respect and deference to someone who is telling us what label and life they are expressing for themselves. We know how challenging it can be for folx to tell us who we are when we know ourselves very well. We should not condemn others to judgement when we do not condone it for ourselves.

That all said, we have to be clear that even if throughout our lifetimes our sexuality might ebb and flow, our preferences may change a bit and then change right back, we may choose our person and then not be interested in any other humans in a sexual or romantic way, we can and are still Bi. We still have the potential. We could still act on our sexuality in any ethical (preferably) way we desire. And, that is it, isn’t it….our desires are valid and vibrant and worthy just like we are.

While we should not feel threatened by folx who may come out as Bi and then change their label we should be compassionate with ourselves as our lives evolve. Just know that as the waves of our lives roll toward us, as we figure out how we are going to surf or swim our way through the storms and the calm, we are always floating in a big, diverse, fantastic ocean of Bisexuality. It is a wonderful, lifelong ride.

This was one crazy pandemic pause. Like most folx I had many experiences during the Covid pandemic. And, for many, Covid is still a major concern so I do not want to discount concerns and concessions made to avoid contagion.

That said, the local Bi+ group I organize, has sprung back into action, We have partnered with the local LGBT center, we are hosting monthly discussion groups and other events, and we are preparing to march proudly in our local Pride parade. To say it feels really good is a vast understatement.

It was not easy to maintain connection with community during isolation. One of the things I did was to maintain social media for the local group I administer. It helped but it was definitely not the same as seeing folx in person and feeling a sense of camaraderie.

Now that I am slowly emerging from my cocoon one thing of note is that I am more inclined to grow community sustainably. That means finding folx with unique talents and perspectives. I hope it means we will be serving our diverse cohort even better and more mindfully than we did before.

I am hoping to maintain a better connection beyond my local area with my blog and to encourage talk back from any folx who may follow. I am definitely looking for your ideas. Not only for what you may want to see topically on the blog but also for the beautiful work you are doing wherever you are.

I am more committed than ever to serve our amazing Bi/Pan/Omni/Poly community. Recent research tells us that we are 60% of the LGBTQ community and it is definitely our turn to shine and shout. So turn up your bright Bi+ light and your volume! Your voices matter!

I see you. And, as always, you look amazing.

The diversity of the Bi+ community always fills me with joy. We love without boundaries. Some of us have specific preferences, some of us don’t. Some of us are very certain of our gender identity, some of us aren’t. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Some of us are out, some of us aren’t. Some of us are quiet, some of us are not. Some of us are activists, some of us aren’t.

We are a scintillating spectrum of Bisexuality. As a rule, we are folks who by our very existence push the limits of sexuality. We are trans, we are cis, we are non-binary, we are genderqueer and our preferences can be all over the map. Our preferences can change and shift throughout our lifetimes. Personally, I love how diverse we can all be but still belong under the shelter of the big Bi+ umbrella.

Is it sometimes challenging to have folks who have such differing ways of expressing their sexuality? I think some may think so but, for me, it is one of the things which has always made me proudest of my bisexuality. We all do Bi our own way and that is awesome. I get particularly enthused when I think of how many younger people are identifying as having a fluid sexuality. We are already the Queer majority but just imagine how are numbers will be growing in the coming decades.

Right now, it feels like a tipping point to me. More and more folks are coming out as Bi+ and it is becoming much more acceptable to do so. Is there still biphobia and bierasure for us to deal with? Oh, hell yes….I still want signs and t shirts to mention bi phobia in the same way they do homophobia and transphobia and remember that the B is not silent. I still want to have more funding for the LGBTQ community that is earmarked for the Bi community. I don’t want ‘research studies’ to prove we exist. We all know that. It is abundantly clear. However, I would love research to be done into the disparities faced by the Bi+ community and how that affects us psychologically and physically.

If you are out and being bivisible. Thank you. You never know whom you may inspire by being your badass Bi+ self. If you aren’t out and feel you can be, safely, then please consider coming out during our Bi Visibility month celebration. The more of us the merrier and so many of us are out here to support and celebrate you. Join us, there is strength in numbers.

And, if you want to tiptoe out of the closet that is just fine. If you want to peek out of the closet and only be visible to those you trust or, more importantly, only to yourself that is just fine, too. If now is not the time, no worries, we’ll be here whenever you are ready to be with us.

To say these have been trying and troubled times for the past two years would be a vast understatement. For those of us who are out and bivisible it has been a challenge to maintain connects with Bi+ community and for those in the closet I feel certain it has been that much worse.

What to do? How to try to try to take baby steps to accept, express and exclaim your sexuality when you cannot make contact with other folks in the Bi-osphere is a question I am often asked as the admin of various Bi social media sites. I have a few ideas which I will share but mostly, I just want to say being Bi yourself and accepting who you are is always your first step. You can do that in community but you can also do it alone.

All those decades ago when I came out to myself I spent time in the library looking for any Bi reference, I scoured news stories for any information about any Bi people, I read into media (movies and TV) searching for someone who might be like me. Today, there is much more Bi representation and it is resoundingly more positive so just keep your eyes and ears peeled for folks who are out and proud and being bivisible. That alone can be incredibly affirming.

Beyond your own research you can connect with many podcasts. I specifically suggest Two Bi Guys, By the Bi, The Bisexual Agenda, Bisexual Brunch, the Monogamish Marriage, BiBiBi …but a quick Google will help you find what you are looking for. And, if at first, you don’t succeed keep trying because Bi content is out there….wholesome or otherwise….to fit your needs and wants.

Spend some time being a Bi bookworm. There are so many great Bi+ books out there but I highly recommend the Bi-bliography to seek Bi+ books which you might have an interest in. Frankly, most books which accurately and/or positively represent bisexuality will usually fill the bill for me.

Check out social media. There are so many Bi+ Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc sites where you can dip your toe into the Bi-universe and see how/where you fit in.

Please remember that this pandemic situation will pass and Bi groups will be meeting up in person again. Prepare yourself to take that step as soon as it is possible. There are many folks who have been where you are, new to accepting their sexuality, taking those first steps to being visible and meeting up with community, sharing who they are with family and friends….and they will welcome you with open arms.

You are valid. You matter. You are not alone.

Well, hello there. It’s been awhile. If you are like me this pandemic situation has been a challenge. My family has been relatively unscathed (my daughter did contract Covid) but I have friends who did not fare as well. First, I just want to send my best vibes to you and yours and hope you are well.

So, here we are in Pride Month. It really snuck up on me. I was not doing the usual planning for the Bi+ Group I organize as all in-person events were cancelled. This was wise, of course, but it still made Pride Month feel a bit, well, flat. None of the flamboyance and extravagance I so love.

It has also been challenging to not be able to connect with my local Bi community. Everyone was trying to handle things as best they could and it made perfect sense. However, it did not allow for the time and energy to make a virtual connection. For those who were able to stay in touch, I salute you. I was able to maintain a social media presence but that was about it. If my positive posts were a balm to anyone amidst this chaos then that was a definite win.

I have always said normal is just a setting on a dryer but we are moving toward something that is not total isolation. If we conduct ourselves with prudence we may be able to meet up with our chums in person again and that will be a very good day.

In the meantime, I will try to be a better and more reliable scribe and be in touch via this blog much more often in the coming months and beyond. And, as for you, I wish you the best celebration of who you are. A beautiful, valid, valuable, Bi+ human being who has survived this storm and will be out of Bi-solation soon. As the Bi-D card says your bisexuality has no expiration date and is always valid just like you!

Happy Pride, dear ones.

Oh my gosh, we are coming upon a very romantical time of the year. Championed by florists, chocolatiers, wine sellers, greeting card companies, lingerie stylists and all other purveyors of gifties for your loved one(s). To be clear, one should show one’s appreciation for folks you love. I would never take issue with that. However, for those of us not particularly inclined to romanticism it can be a somewhat trying time.

I have a few tips for folks like me who are partnered but decidedly aromantic. It is not as if I don’t care but the societal trappings popularized to express your luv just don’t matter or mores o don’t even register with me. I am an admitted and avowed allosexual (is there a term for an uber-sexual, if so I don’t know it) but flowers and bonbons are not my love language. I prefer someone who listens intently to my utopian futurist imaginings, can hold their own in discussions about the best progressive political policies, shares my interest in the imagined world of magic, enjoys a good wine vintage, can cut a move on the dance floor and who listens to me when I say what I like in bed.

All of that said, those of us who are not transported by romance can feel a little like a fish out of water during the valentine season. However, we definitely exist. We can maintain long term relationships. We can love someone without getting all caught up in being or desiring a fantasized romantic ideal. We can deeply love and care for our partners but they can park sweet nothings at the door. Sometimes I think we are misunderstood and there is a misapprehension that we are cold and aloof. Nothing could be further from the truth but societal ideas about we should want, especially if we are womenfolk or femme just does not compute for us.

And, we are definitely in every sexual identity. I am Bi/Pan/Queer. I am sure there are straight folks and gay/lesbian folks who feel the same way. Aromantic sibs, I am declaring loudly and proudly, that we can skip the box of valentine chocolate and be accepted and embraced as folks who are not moved by such gestures. Our love and our lust is not in response to flowers given because it happens to be that valentine time of year. Keep your baubles and bangles. Engage with me honestly if you want to get with me…..lol….and just don’t expect me to get all starry eyed because I just never will.

For those who wait with bated breath for their lover/partner to wrap their hearts up with a bow…enjoy. For those of us who can take a pass I see you and I am you. ; )

Me: I’m Bisexual.

Other person: Are you…actively bisexual?

Me: Well, I am certainly not passively bisexual. In fact, I am being ACTIVELY BISEXUAL right now.

Other person: Oh, umm, ah….are you attracted to me?

Me: No.

End scene.

**************************************************

Are you actively bisexual? That is the silliest and, depending upon my mood, the most annoying question I get asked. It stems from the idea that to be Bisexual I must be concurrently engaged in a sexual relationship with someone of all the possible genders in the universe. Not only would that be time-consuming (and, yes, it might be fun for awhile) but the likelihood of my finding that many folks at one time I would like to date is unlikely (not impossible, mind you)

Of course, when folks use the term ‘active bisexual’ they are, without fail, thinking of sex. They are also functioning from the mythical notion that all bisexuals must be sexually involved with all genders at all times. As stated above, that would mean I would probably not doing much else other than having sex. Could I do that? I like to think I still have a fair amount of stamina. Would I want to 24/7? Probably not. I do, in fact, have some other interests.

It is ridiculous to think that if I am not currently engaged with folks of all possible genders that I am somehow being ‘passively bisexual’. That is not an option. My sexuality is always flipped on. It is something I carry with my physical body everywhere I go. It does not mean I am attracted to everyone. It simply means my bisexuality is a fully integrated part of my being….like having blue eyes, or being radically left on the political spectrum, or being a musical omnivore,or being a bookworm. Bisexuality is a complete and total part of who I am as a human being and something I am never passive about.

This idea that Bisexuals are always sexual is demeaning and diminishing. Many of us think about sex, a lot. But, as stated above, it is not the only thing we think about. Seeing us as simply sexual beasts does not take into account the wide spectrum in the community (from aces to hyper-sexuals) and that all Bis have their own way to express their sexuality.

It can also be isolating to think of Bisexuality as only the sexual aspect of who we are. It is much more than that. It is our unique way of seeing the world and the beauty of individual humans. I can see a beautiful, sexy person without thinking of every single one of them as fuckable. Bisexuals are not predators and we take consent as seriously as people of other sexual orientations.

So, yes, I am actively Bisexual every single day and like all Bisexuals expect acknowledgement and respect for exactly who I am. : )

Since I wrote this post well over a year ago I have had a lot of time to reflect on this whole ‘actively bisexual’ business. I have see celebrities and others use inexact language when describing their sexuality and I have pondered the fluid nature of bisexuality. I have witnessed (but not participated in) more bi/pan dustups. When thinking over these things I have given a great deal of thought to my own sexuality with what has become a rather long view and what I think of how it lives inside my heart going forward. I have mentioned in the blog that I have been married for many years, quite a few decades, in fact. For a great deal of that time I have been monogamous, but not all of that time. And, my outlook/philosophy has always been polyamorous….even before I knew the word. It certainly did not make my own marriage any less valid or important to me. My spouse has always known who I am and viewed our relationship as appreciation not ownership. He has his way. I have mine. So, someone might think of me as only having been actively bisexual when I was involved with other partners. Again, I just want to reiterate, I don’t see it that way. And, in a side note, those intimate relationships may or may not have involved physical sex. There are a million ways to be Bi. ; ) My sexuality, and yours, if you are Bi and if I may be so bold, is in no way dependent upon whom you’re involved, dating, sexting, or having sex with. I just want to make a point, following by an exclamation point, that despite what others’ may say, what the media may portray, and the oft used term gay (lol) Bi folks are non-monosexual. If you are non-monosexual in your heart, soul, mind you are Bi (any term you prefer will do: Pan, Omni, Poly, no label, etc) and your activity does not play into it. That is my PSA for today but one I am sure I will return to over and over. ; )

Yes, I’m still here. And, to be honest, not completely alone as my partner of almost 40 years is here in bi-solation with me. I know how lucky I am to not be completely solitary in this pandemic world we currently live in. That said, I truly miss my connection with my local Bi+ community. Virtual just does not cut it for me.

This is just a quick resurface as I reflect on topics which may be of value to all of us during these trying times.

Personally, I have been very busy for the past several months so just a brief update.

We have been remarkably lucky given my spouse was a front line healthcare worker until just a few weeks ago. In our little household we did escape Covid. My daughter, who works in academia and lives on a college campus was not so lucky. However, she has recovered.

She is also deaf having lost her hearing in her early 20’s whilst she was in grad school. I have been learning ASL for the past 6 months and learning about the Queer Deaf community. I am taking various classes and spending a lot of time learning how best to communicate to those with hearing loss. I am also trying to educate myself about the Deaf community, in general. Not surprisingly, it has been eye opening.

I have also been doing a lot of reading on our own beautiful Bi culture. Hopefully, that will inform my blog as I try to do a better job of writing and sharing.

So, wherever you are, whomever you are, whatever you are doing I send the best Bi vibes your way. We may not be able to connect in person in most parts of our world right now but that does not mean we cannot hold each other in our thoughts.

Take care. Stay safe. Watch this space for more as time goes on. Sending you big Bi love.

Well, it has been a rough week Biphobia-wise.

It is really rare I let any social media commentary get to me. I am sure of myself. I am certain of my bisexuality. I have a very clear view of what is and is not ok when it comes to folks take on bisexuality. However, it really occurred to me how incredibly difficult it is for folks who may not have had the time and support to build a strong Bi+ foundation. How very heartbreaking it has to be to see your sexuality diminished and, sometimes, deliberately denied in the media. It does not really matter what your age although I do worry about the youngest among us. The young people who may be a bit uncertain about who they are but who are starting to understand they are bisexual.

In a nutshell, I saw a post on Facebook about a new trilogy of books for queer kids. Very promising, or so I thought, until I realized the trilogy was about a gay boy, lesbian girls and a trans kiddo. Trust me, representation matters and I was very happy to see specific picture books with lovely illustrations which showed queer kids. However, where was the bisexual young one? I asked and the author was more than a bit snippy about it. I was told if I had the money to publish a fully illustrated book about Bi kids to have at it. And, that the book about the lesbian kids could have had a Bi+ character as we should not assume about someone’s sexuality. When I asked if the narrative explicitly stated that one (or more) of the characters were Bi I was told no but that the young reader could come to their own conclusions. My response was that true representation did not involve interpretation on the part of the child. There were other comments I won’t dignify with placing in my own blog but suffice to say there was lots of laughter and derision at the expense of Bi+ folks and the kids we all were.

There are a number of things this underscores…notably, that Biphobia and Bierasure are alive and well. We have a long way to go for the larger LGBTQ community to accept Bisexuals despite (or maybe because) we are the Queer Majority.

As always, there are ways we can deal with the twin evils of Biphobia and Bierasure. First, remember how much you matter. How valid your sexuality is. I cannot emphasize enough that Bisexuals have been activists and advocates for the Queer community since the very beginning and we deserve respect.

Remember when you look good, you feel good and if you look Bi you feel Bi and you make it clear you are not willing to accept disrespect. Wear that Bi+ bling. You will look ultra fab, trust me on that. I know when I wear my Bi earrings or Bi t-shirts I so often get a knowing glance from another beautiful Bi and frequently get a ‘me, too’. Knowing we are out there matters a lot. You can truly make someone’s day when you are being out and proud.

Remember who you are and how many Bi+ folks have created culture: David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Josephine Baker, Sylvia Rivera, Lady Gaga, Sara Ramirez, etc etc. We are everywhere and remember you have a legion of Bi+ beauties who live and love like you do.

Call people out when you hear biphobia and bierasure. Anyone saying Bi people don’t exist? Well, let ’em know you are here, queer and ready to stand up for yourself (safely, of course).

Always remember to take care of yourself. Whether it is reading positive blog posts (hint, hint) or following a positive social media account (I am on Twitter and Insta and sometime soon, I hope, TikTok) or reading Bi history or just taking a moment to appreciate the magnificent creature you are. You matter so much. So many more Bi folks are coming out every damn day. Our community is strong and getting stronger and more visible all the time.

Be kind to yourself. If you need to rage do it. If you need to cry it out, do so. Those emotions are not signs of weakness they are just signs that you are a real human being who sometimes feels fragile in a world that just does not elevate and celebrate Bi+ folks as they should do. It is totally normal to feel down sometimes. Just remember how noble you are, how noble all of us are and how we are here to change the world for our Bi+ sibs. Speak up. Speak out. Be strong. We can do this if we do it together.

And, as always, you look amazing.

The diversity of the Bi+ community always fills me with joy. We love without boundaries. Some of us have specific preferences, some of us don’t. Some of us are very certain of our gender identity, some of us aren’t. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Some of us are out, some of us aren’t. Some of us are quiet, some of us are not. Some of us are activists, some of us aren’t.

We are a scintillating spectrum of Bisexuality. As a rule, we are folks who by our very existence push the limits of sexuality. We are trans, we are cis, we are non-binary, we are genderqueer and our preferences can be all over the map. Our preferences can change and shift throughout our lifetimes. Personally, I love how diverse we can all be but still belong under the shelter of the big Bi+ umbrella.

Is it sometimes challenging to have folks who have such differing ways of expressing their sexuality? I think some may think so but, for me, it is one of the things which has always made me proudest of my bisexuality. We all do Bi our own way and that is awesome. I get particularly enthused when I think of how many younger people are identifying as having a fluid sexuality. We are already the Queer majority but just imagine how are numbers will be growing in the coming decades.

Right now, it feels like a tipping point to me. More and more folks are coming out as Bi+ and it is becoming much more acceptable to do so. Is there still biphobia and bierasure for us to deal with? Oh, hell yes….I still want signs and t shirts to mention bi phobia in the same way they do homophobia and transphobia and remember that the B is not silent. I still want to have more funding for the LGBTQ community that is earmarked for the Bi community. I don’t want ‘research studies’ to prove we exist. We all know that. It is abundantly clear. However, I would love research to be done into the disparities faced by the Bi+ community and how that affects us psychologically and physically.

If you are out and being bivisible. Thank you. You never know whom you may inspire by being your badass Bi+ self. If you aren’t out and feel you can be, safely, then please consider coming out during our Bi Visibility month celebration. The more of us the merrier and so many of us are out here to support and celebrate you. Join us, there is strength in numbers.