I am going to state unequivocally that the Bi+ community should never, ever tolerate gatekeeping. Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual, Omnisexual, No label…no matter which label about your sexuality speaks to you your validity as a multi gender attracted human should never be questioned.

Let’s talk about what these terms have in common. They are various labels for a person who is non-monosexual. Why are there so many? I don’t really have the answer for that but it really doesn’t matter. Folks choose the label which resonates with them and which they feel best describes their sexuality. And, guess what, that is just fine!

The only problem arises when folks use various labels to potentially divide the non-monosexual community. I personally like the term Bi+ to describe myself. However, I could use any of the above terms if I wanted to as they pretty accurately describe my limitless attractions.

Just like any other person I have preferences. I could not really express those preferences very well verbally….suffice to say, I know what I like when I see it. However, ‘what I like’ is not limited by gender. What I like has to do with a person who is relatable to me…that usually involves keen observational skills, a great, slightly off beat sense of humor and a general curiosity about the world.

My point is there is no one who can tell you how to be Bi and no one who can tell you which label to use. Only you are in charge of your own Bi-ness. Never allow someone else to have that agency for you.

Are there gatekeepers within the Bisexual community. Absolutely. Do you have to pay them any mind at all? No, you do not. In fact, I would argue when you see gatekeeping taking place whether in the real or virtual world confront it and make clear that as a Bisexual (Pansexual, Omnisexual, etc) you do not tolerate it.

As Bisexuals we get plenty of gatekeeping from outside of our community. We must not do the same thing ourselves. We are stronger and happier when we acknowledge how much we have in common and work toward a common goal. As the Queer Majority (around 60% of the LGBTQIA+ community) we have a long way to go for the respect (and funding) we deserve. Quibbling about which label is more accurate or best or hipper or whatever is not going to serve us in the long run.

Working together is actually much easier than you might think. It is simply a matter of understanding that we are a beautifully diverse group of people and that we all have our own way to express our sexual fluidity. All we have to do is not only accept but celebrate our differences. It is as simple as treating our Bi+ sibs exactly the way we would want to be treated… with love and with respect. : )

Cause for celebration!! A small, committed group of non-monosexuals are continuing to build community in the Milwaukee metropolitan area. We had a pandemic pause but have come back stronger and more resilient than ever. I believe the reason for our resilience is how very much a relatively small group of people are able to make a big impact.

A lot has happened since the initial post of Getting Bi in the 414 was published. Bi+ Pride Milwaukee (BPM) has become a voice for Bi+ humans in our metropolitan area and recognized as such. BPM has partnered with the Milwaukee LGBT Community Center and has a plethora of activities and events in the Community Center facility. Our presence in the annual Milwaukee Pride parade has grown. We tabled at the Milwaukee PrideFest and had a massive volume of folks seeing us and being seen. We are taking baby steps toward non-profit status. We know we are sustainable and we are strong in our resolve to serve and to shine a light on the Bi+ community.

So, for those of you reading this who don’t have a Bi+ organization in your city, town, region just go on ahead and start one. It might just be you making things happen to start with but others will join you. It will really matter when folx see you raising your voice for a diverse, inclusive, responsive organization who lifts up all the members of the Bi+ community. Not only will it be a positive experience for those who are drawn to your activities and events but it will be a balm to your own Bi+ senses to see the beautiful Bi+ universe coalescing around you. It will also be affirming and heartwarming to see other members of the LGBTQIA+ recognize the importance and the contributions of their Bi/Pan/Poly/Omni/no label friends and family.

If you have questions about how we built an organization from scratch here in the Midwest please reach out to me. We are stronger together and I will do what I can to help you out. You have the right to live your lives authentically and working together is the first step.

It is that time of year again. The Holi-Daze. Whether you celebrate or don’t. Whether you observe Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Solstice, Yule, Christmas or all/some/none of the above it is very, very likely there will be family get togethers at some point in December or January. As Bi+ folks this can result in celebration, if you have a supportive family/friend group, or in anxiety, if you do not have the support you deserve. So, how do you survive and, even…possibly thrive in this busy, buzzy time of year. Well, I have a few tips and tricks I have learned over the decades.

First, I want to make crystal clear that your beautiful Bi+ self is valid, valuable and worthy of support and, actually, celebration…just for being your shining, sparkling self. However, as Bisexuals we are often not accorded proper respect and acknowledgement of our sexuality.

We hear the usual claptrap at the dinner table:

**oh, you’re dating a boy/girl now?! So you’ve finally decided you’re straight/gay!

**You really have to stop with this Bisexual ‘thing’. We all know you are just doing it for attention.

**I knew a Bi guy/girl once. They finally admitted they were just gay. When are you going to do that?

**Hey, (always said in a hushed whisper) do you have a lot of threesomes?

**I don’t really think ANYONE is really Bisexual or I think EVERYONE is Bisexual. (Of note, this is often said with a heaping helping of pompous authority by someone who could not buy a clue.)

It is really hard to handle all this nonsense along with any other family drama which may take place. You just want to have a lovely time, connect with family, and not have to explain every single little thing about whom you find attractive and what is going on with your love/sex life. Is it really too much to ask? I am here to tell you it is not. You have every right to be yourself AND enjoy yourself.

So, I have a suggestion. It may be difficult but set boundaries. Bisexual people have no more responsibility to explain their sexuality than anyone else. No one questions Aunt Agnes as to why she has been married to that asshole Uncle Dudley for all these painful years. No one asks Cousin Sheila why she won’t commit to her boyfriend, Justin and never invites him to family functions. Folks rarely question straight people and their relationships at the holidays and, nowadays, families are much more accepting of their gay/lesbian family members, too. They should accord you the same respect as they do to folks who are not multi-gender attracted and you should expect their respect.

Tell family members to allow you to lead the conversation about who you are dating/if you are dating and indicate if they have crossed a line it is just not okay. If you have supportive family members enlist their help. You don’t have to do this alone if there is someone who will give you a hand.

You are not required to divulge personal data. Sometimes silence is the best option. If someone gets a bit too nosy you could always ask them an uncomfortably personal question just to let them know how it feels.

Remember, you are an amazing, magical bisexual/pansexual/queer/multi-gender attracted individual and you don’t need anyone’s permission to be yourself. And, if it gets to be too much you have options. There is no reason you cannot leave a situation which is making you feel uncomfortable. Your peace of mind matters and you do not have to tolerate poor behavior from folks just because they are family.

You matter. You are valid. Even if you are still trying to figure out exactly who you are no one has the right to give you the third degree. Kindness and compassion should be served at every holiday event. Your attendance is not mandatory. Self-care is important.

The most important thing is to make sure you feel healthy and happy. If that means attending an alternative event at a local LGBT center or being with supportive friends then do that. At the end of the day, do what you need to do acknowledge and respect yourself. ❤

If you’re reading this you, more than likely, know what Bisexuality is. Bisexuality is the potential to be physically, sexually or emotionally attracted to folx with genders similar to and different from your own. It really is that simple. If you know, you know. 😉 It can wax and wane over a lifetime. You can be more attracted to one gender for a time and another for a different time frame. You can always be equally attracted to folx of all gender identities all of the time. Bisexuality is as unique as the Bisexual. And, to be clear, the label you use for your non-monosexuality is as unique as you are, too. You can be Pan, Poly, Omni, Bi, no label, all labels. That is entirely up to you. You define yourself. Always.

Can someone think they are Bi and maybe, possibly, down the road have a different view of their sexuality? Of course, they can. We can never insist that someone stay in a box because we fear the myth (and it is a myth) that Bisexuality is just a phase. Could it be for someone whilst they figure out precisely who they are? Yes, it very possibly, could be. There are many reasons someone might consider themselves Bi and later have a much different view of their sexuality. Perhaps, as they have more romantic/sexual experiences they figure out what it really is that turns them on and brings them joy. Perhaps, societal heteronormativity made them ‘try on’ the Bisexuality label only to find it, too, does not fit.

As Bisexuals, we are so often doubted when we say who we are we must accord respect and deference to someone who is telling us what label and life they are expressing for themselves. We know how challenging it can be for folx to tell us who we are when we know ourselves very well. We should not condemn others to judgement when we do not condone it for ourselves.

That all said, we have to be clear that even if throughout our lifetimes our sexuality might ebb and flow, our preferences may change a bit and then change right back, we may choose our person and then not be interested in any other humans in a sexual or romantic way, we can and are still Bi. We still have the potential. We could still act on our sexuality in any ethical (preferably) way we desire. And, that is it, isn’t it….our desires are valid and vibrant and worthy just like we are.

While we should not feel threatened by folx who may come out as Bi and then change their label we should be compassionate with ourselves as our lives evolve. Just know that as the waves of our lives roll toward us, as we figure out how we are going to surf or swim our way through the storms and the calm, we are always floating in a big, diverse, fantastic ocean of Bisexuality. It is a wonderful, lifelong ride.

This was one crazy pandemic pause. Like most folx I had many experiences during the Covid pandemic. And, for many, Covid is still a major concern so I do not want to discount concerns and concessions made to avoid contagion.

That said, the local Bi+ group I organize, has sprung back into action, We have partnered with the local LGBT center, we are hosting monthly discussion groups and other events, and we are preparing to march proudly in our local Pride parade. To say it feels really good is a vast understatement.

It was not easy to maintain connection with community during isolation. One of the things I did was to maintain social media for the local group I administer. It helped but it was definitely not the same as seeing folx in person and feeling a sense of camaraderie.

Now that I am slowly emerging from my cocoon one thing of note is that I am more inclined to grow community sustainably. That means finding folx with unique talents and perspectives. I hope it means we will be serving our diverse cohort even better and more mindfully than we did before.

I am hoping to maintain a better connection beyond my local area with my blog and to encourage talk back from any folx who may follow. I am definitely looking for your ideas. Not only for what you may want to see topically on the blog but also for the beautiful work you are doing wherever you are.

I am more committed than ever to serve our amazing Bi/Pan/Omni/Poly community. Recent research tells us that we are 60% of the LGBTQ community and it is definitely our turn to shine and shout. So turn up your bright Bi+ light and your volume! Your voices matter!

I see you. And, as always, you look amazing.

The diversity of the Bi+ community always fills me with joy. We love without boundaries. Some of us have specific preferences, some of us don’t. Some of us are very certain of our gender identity, some of us aren’t. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Some of us are out, some of us aren’t. Some of us are quiet, some of us are not. Some of us are activists, some of us aren’t.

We are a scintillating spectrum of Bisexuality. As a rule, we are folks who by our very existence push the limits of sexuality. We are trans, we are cis, we are non-binary, we are genderqueer and our preferences can be all over the map. Our preferences can change and shift throughout our lifetimes. Personally, I love how diverse we can all be but still belong under the shelter of the big Bi+ umbrella.

Is it sometimes challenging to have folks who have such differing ways of expressing their sexuality? I think some may think so but, for me, it is one of the things which has always made me proudest of my bisexuality. We all do Bi our own way and that is awesome. I get particularly enthused when I think of how many younger people are identifying as having a fluid sexuality. We are already the Queer majority but just imagine how are numbers will be growing in the coming decades.

Right now, it feels like a tipping point to me. More and more folks are coming out as Bi+ and it is becoming much more acceptable to do so. Is there still biphobia and bierasure for us to deal with? Oh, hell yes….I still want signs and t shirts to mention bi phobia in the same way they do homophobia and transphobia and remember that the B is not silent. I still want to have more funding for the LGBTQ community that is earmarked for the Bi community. I don’t want ‘research studies’ to prove we exist. We all know that. It is abundantly clear. However, I would love research to be done into the disparities faced by the Bi+ community and how that affects us psychologically and physically.

If you are out and being bivisible. Thank you. You never know whom you may inspire by being your badass Bi+ self. If you aren’t out and feel you can be, safely, then please consider coming out during our Bi Visibility month celebration. The more of us the merrier and so many of us are out here to support and celebrate you. Join us, there is strength in numbers.

And, if you want to tiptoe out of the closet that is just fine. If you want to peek out of the closet and only be visible to those you trust or, more importantly, only to yourself that is just fine, too. If now is not the time, no worries, we’ll be here whenever you are ready to be with us.

To say these have been trying and troubled times for the past two years would be a vast understatement. For those of us who are out and bivisible it has been a challenge to maintain connects with Bi+ community and for those in the closet I feel certain it has been that much worse.

What to do? How to try to try to take baby steps to accept, express and exclaim your sexuality when you cannot make contact with other folks in the Bi-osphere is a question I am often asked as the admin of various Bi social media sites. I have a few ideas which I will share but mostly, I just want to say being Bi yourself and accepting who you are is always your first step. You can do that in community but you can also do it alone.

All those decades ago when I came out to myself I spent time in the library looking for any Bi reference, I scoured news stories for any information about any Bi people, I read into media (movies and TV) searching for someone who might be like me. Today, there is much more Bi representation and it is resoundingly more positive so just keep your eyes and ears peeled for folks who are out and proud and being bivisible. That alone can be incredibly affirming.

Beyond your own research you can connect with many podcasts. I specifically suggest Two Bi Guys, By the Bi, The Bisexual Agenda, Bisexual Brunch, the Monogamish Marriage, BiBiBi …but a quick Google will help you find what you are looking for. And, if at first, you don’t succeed keep trying because Bi content is out there….wholesome or otherwise….to fit your needs and wants.

Spend some time being a Bi bookworm. There are so many great Bi+ books out there but I highly recommend the Bi-bliography to seek Bi+ books which you might have an interest in. Frankly, most books which accurately and/or positively represent bisexuality will usually fill the bill for me.

Check out social media. There are so many Bi+ Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, etc sites where you can dip your toe into the Bi-universe and see how/where you fit in.

Please remember that this pandemic situation will pass and Bi groups will be meeting up in person again. Prepare yourself to take that step as soon as it is possible. There are many folks who have been where you are, new to accepting their sexuality, taking those first steps to being visible and meeting up with community, sharing who they are with family and friends….and they will welcome you with open arms.

You are valid. You matter. You are not alone.

Well, hello there. It’s been awhile. If you are like me this pandemic situation has been a challenge. My family has been relatively unscathed (my daughter did contract Covid) but I have friends who did not fare as well. First, I just want to send my best vibes to you and yours and hope you are well.

So, here we are in Pride Month. It really snuck up on me. I was not doing the usual planning for the Bi+ Group I organize as all in-person events were cancelled. This was wise, of course, but it still made Pride Month feel a bit, well, flat. None of the flamboyance and extravagance I so love.

It has also been challenging to not be able to connect with my local Bi community. Everyone was trying to handle things as best they could and it made perfect sense. However, it did not allow for the time and energy to make a virtual connection. For those who were able to stay in touch, I salute you. I was able to maintain a social media presence but that was about it. If my positive posts were a balm to anyone amidst this chaos then that was a definite win.

I have always said normal is just a setting on a dryer but we are moving toward something that is not total isolation. If we conduct ourselves with prudence we may be able to meet up with our chums in person again and that will be a very good day.

In the meantime, I will try to be a better and more reliable scribe and be in touch via this blog much more often in the coming months and beyond. And, as for you, I wish you the best celebration of who you are. A beautiful, valid, valuable, Bi+ human being who has survived this storm and will be out of Bi-solation soon. As the Bi-D card says your bisexuality has no expiration date and is always valid just like you!

Happy Pride, dear ones.

Oh my gosh, we are coming upon a very romantical time of the year. Championed by florists, chocolatiers, wine sellers, greeting card companies, lingerie stylists and all other purveyors of gifties for your loved one(s). To be clear, one should show one’s appreciation for folks you love. I would never take issue with that. However, for those of us not particularly inclined to romanticism it can be a somewhat trying time.

I have a few tips for folks like me who are partnered but decidedly aromantic. It is not as if I don’t care but the societal trappings popularized to express your luv just don’t matter or mores o don’t even register with me. I am an admitted and avowed allosexual (is there a term for an uber-sexual, if so I don’t know it) but flowers and bonbons are not my love language. I prefer someone who listens intently to my utopian futurist imaginings, can hold their own in discussions about the best progressive political policies, shares my interest in the imagined world of magic, enjoys a good wine vintage, can cut a move on the dance floor and who listens to me when I say what I like in bed.

All of that said, those of us who are not transported by romance can feel a little like a fish out of water during the valentine season. However, we definitely exist. We can maintain long term relationships. We can love someone without getting all caught up in being or desiring a fantasized romantic ideal. We can deeply love and care for our partners but they can park sweet nothings at the door. Sometimes I think we are misunderstood and there is a misapprehension that we are cold and aloof. Nothing could be further from the truth but societal ideas about we should want, especially if we are womenfolk or femme just does not compute for us.

And, we are definitely in every sexual identity. I am Bi/Pan/Queer. I am sure there are straight folks and gay/lesbian folks who feel the same way. Aromantic sibs, I am declaring loudly and proudly, that we can skip the box of valentine chocolate and be accepted and embraced as folks who are not moved by such gestures. Our love and our lust is not in response to flowers given because it happens to be that valentine time of year. Keep your baubles and bangles. Engage with me honestly if you want to get with me…..lol….and just don’t expect me to get all starry eyed because I just never will.

For those who wait with bated breath for their lover/partner to wrap their hearts up with a bow…enjoy. For those of us who can take a pass I see you and I am you. ; )

Me: I’m Bisexual.

Other person: Are you…actively bisexual?

Me: Well, I am certainly not passively bisexual. In fact, I am being ACTIVELY BISEXUAL right now.

Other person: Oh, umm, ah….are you attracted to me?

Me: No.

End scene.

**************************************************

Are you actively bisexual? That is the silliest and, depending upon my mood, the most annoying question I get asked. It stems from the idea that to be Bisexual I must be concurrently engaged in a sexual relationship with someone of all the possible genders in the universe. Not only would that be time-consuming (and, yes, it might be fun for awhile) but the likelihood of my finding that many folks at one time I would like to date is unlikely (not impossible, mind you)

Of course, when folks use the term ‘active bisexual’ they are, without fail, thinking of sex. They are also functioning from the mythical notion that all bisexuals must be sexually involved with all genders at all times. As stated above, that would mean I would probably not doing much else other than having sex. Could I do that? I like to think I still have a fair amount of stamina. Would I want to 24/7? Probably not. I do, in fact, have some other interests.

It is ridiculous to think that if I am not currently engaged with folks of all possible genders that I am somehow being ‘passively bisexual’. That is not an option. My sexuality is always flipped on. It is something I carry with my physical body everywhere I go. It does not mean I am attracted to everyone. It simply means my bisexuality is a fully integrated part of my being….like having blue eyes, or being radically left on the political spectrum, or being a musical omnivore,or being a bookworm. Bisexuality is a complete and total part of who I am as a human being and something I am never passive about.

This idea that Bisexuals are always sexual is demeaning and diminishing. Many of us think about sex, a lot. But, as stated above, it is not the only thing we think about. Seeing us as simply sexual beasts does not take into account the wide spectrum in the community (from aces to hyper-sexuals) and that all Bis have their own way to express their sexuality.

It can also be isolating to think of Bisexuality as only the sexual aspect of who we are. It is much more than that. It is our unique way of seeing the world and the beauty of individual humans. I can see a beautiful, sexy person without thinking of every single one of them as fuckable. Bisexuals are not predators and we take consent as seriously as people of other sexual orientations.

So, yes, I am actively Bisexual every single day and like all Bisexuals expect acknowledgement and respect for exactly who I am. : )

Since I wrote this post well over a year ago I have had a lot of time to reflect on this whole ‘actively bisexual’ business. I have see celebrities and others use inexact language when describing their sexuality and I have pondered the fluid nature of bisexuality. I have witnessed (but not participated in) more bi/pan dustups. When thinking over these things I have given a great deal of thought to my own sexuality with what has become a rather long view and what I think of how it lives inside my heart going forward. I have mentioned in the blog that I have been married for many years, quite a few decades, in fact. For a great deal of that time I have been monogamous, but not all of that time. And, my outlook/philosophy has always been polyamorous….even before I knew the word. It certainly did not make my own marriage any less valid or important to me. My spouse has always known who I am and viewed our relationship as appreciation not ownership. He has his way. I have mine. So, someone might think of me as only having been actively bisexual when I was involved with other partners. Again, I just want to reiterate, I don’t see it that way. And, in a side note, those intimate relationships may or may not have involved physical sex. There are a million ways to be Bi. ; ) My sexuality, and yours, if you are Bi and if I may be so bold, is in no way dependent upon whom you’re involved, dating, sexting, or having sex with. I just want to make a point, following by an exclamation point, that despite what others’ may say, what the media may portray, and the oft used term gay (lol) Bi folks are non-monosexual. If you are non-monosexual in your heart, soul, mind you are Bi (any term you prefer will do: Pan, Omni, Poly, no label, etc) and your activity does not play into it. That is my PSA for today but one I am sure I will return to over and over. ; )