Bi & Mighty!

Because the only response that stupid nonsense deserves is more nonsense…

[Bi-negative Nancy]: So which do you like better? Straight sex or lesbian sex?

[Bi woman]: Apples and oranges

[Bi-negative Nancy]: But they’re both sex

[Bi woman]: But they’re both fruit

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Two girls making out is hot, but I could never get into watching two guys…

[Bisexual]: (interrupts them) Not with that attitude you can’t! 😀

[Confused person]: Yeah, well everyone’s a little bit bisexual

[Bisexual]: (raise your eyebrows and give them a flirty look) Oh really? Are you willing to back that statement up? (lick your lips and look seductively into their eyes)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bisexuals are just confused

[Bisexual]: Yeah, multivariable calculus is confusing as hell. So’s the political situation in the Middle East, and quantum mechanics and…

[alternate response]: Yeah – confused by your prejudice

[not recommended alternate response]: Yeah, I’m really confused as to how someone could possibly be as stupid as you. Did your mom drop you on your head as a kid or something?

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re either gay, straight, or lying

[Bisexual]: Why yes, I am a lion (purrs, growls, and roars)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Yeah, but which are you really?

[Bisexual]: I don’t know, why don’t you ask your mom? … AND YOUR DAD?! BOOM!

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bisexuals will sleep with anybody

[Bisexual]: (laugh really hard then shout loud enough that everyone nearby can hear) I WOULDN’T SLEEP WITH YOU IF YOU WERE THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH! (point and continue laughing loudly)

[Confused person]: Pansexual? So you have a thing for cookware?

[Pansexual]: (whips out a frying pan) Aw yeah, baby! I love me some sexy cookware…

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bisexuality is just a stepping stone to coming out as gay

[Bisexual]: Like how heterosexuality is just a stepping stone to coming out as bi? I identified as “heterosexual” (in air quotes) before I came out as bi too (smile and nod)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bisexuals aren’t real- they’re just gay people who are too scared to come all the way out of the closet

[Bisexual]: Heterosexuals aren’t real- they’re just bi people who are too scared to come out of the closet

[alternate response]: Yeah, we’re just really sexy hallucinations

[other alternate response]: Yeah, we’re actually a rare pokémon type

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bisexuality means you have to like both equally

[Bisexual]: Yes, and bilingual people must speak both languages equally. And for a bill to be bipartisan it must have exactly equal support from Republicans and Democrats. And bipolar people must spend exactly equal times in manic and depressive states. And bi-color corn is exactly 50% yellow kernels and 50% white kernels. And… (If you feel like educating someone, this is where you show them the Robyn Ochs definition of bisexuality… and/or where you tell them that “both” isn’t really accurate because there are more than two genders.)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Calling yourself bisexual erases non-binary people because bi means two!

[Bisexual]: We can’t call jellyfish jellyfish- I slathered peanut butter on one once and took a bite and it was horrendous!

[alternate responses]: (said while poking them) You can’t call yourself white! You’re actually a pinky fleshy color!/ You can’t call yourself black! You’re actually a delightfully chocolately coffee brownish color!/ You can’t call yourself a lesbian! You’re from Long Island, not the Isle of Lesbos!/ You can’t call yourself gay! You’re not happy all the time!/ (the list goes on and on…)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Calling yourself bisexual enforces the gender binary because bi means two!

[Non-binary bisexual person]: Umm…. No?

[Bi-negative Nancy]: I’ve only seen you with men, so you must be straight/gay!

[Bisexual]: And I’ve only seen you alone, so you must be asexual

[Confused person]: So how do you know if you’re… you know… a pitcher or a catcher?

[Bisexual person with penis]: Well, a lock of your hair is taken to the top of a mountain where 12 gay and bisexual elders gather. They perform a ritual, and drop the lock of your hair into a special flame- if it turns red, you’re a top, if it turns blue, you’re a bottom, and if it turns green, you’re vers. It’s a beautiful ceremony, really. (idea credit to bipositive.tumblr.com)

[Confused person]: How do you know you like both if you haven’t been with both?

[Bisexual]: How do you know you don’t like both if you haven’t been with both? (raises an eyebrow) You never know unless you try… 😉

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re just experimenting

[Bisexual]: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE?! I THOUGHT MY SECRET LABORATORY WAS WELL HIDDEN! (be sure to visibly panic)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re just greedy

Bisexual: Yup! (steal their stuff and run off)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Sorry, I just couldn’t ever date a bisexual

[Bisexual]: Sorry, I couldn’t ever date someone so closed minded

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re just doing that to rebel

[Bisexual]: No. To rebel, I’m organizing a multisexual militia to orchestrate a military takeover of a U.S. state, then secede from the union and make a bisexual utopia. Which sounds the best? BI-daho, O-BI-o, or Rhode BI-sland? (for the pan people- “How does Indi-PAN-a sound?”)

[alternate response]: No. I’m doing this to rebel (punch the person, throw a brick through a window and set the building on fire)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: I’m a gold-star lesbian, and I don’t want to go anywhere a dick has been

[Bi woman]: Yeah, well I’m a gold star thespian (sassy finger snap). Exit stage right (strut off into the sunset) (idea credit to oh-so-pleasant on Tumblr)

[Confused straight woman]: I kissed a girl once in college so I totally understand

[Bi woman]: Kissed her where?

[Straight woman]: (smugly) On the lips

[Bi woman]: Which ones?*

(*Only if the person starting the conversation is referencing a cis woman- I don’t want to imply that all women have the same parts. I also don’t want to imply that bi women who haven’t been with another woman aren’t actually bi)

[Confused straight man]: So you wanna have a threesome with my girlfriend?

[Bi woman]: If by “threesome with your girlfriend” you mean me and her and this lesbian I know, then hell yes. But if your ugly ass is involved in any way, shape, or form, then count me out.

[alternate response]: I may be bisexual, but your macho jock dumbassapian mentality who thinks two girls kissing is “cool” is surprisingly a turn-off (credit to your ecards)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: All bi people cheat

[Bisexual]: Well how else are we supposed to pass our exams? Study? Puh-lease- I don’t have time for that with all the threesomes and orgies I’m constantly having because I’m bisexual (roll your eyes so hard they fall out)

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re just a little bi-curious

[Bisexual]: Actually, I’m a little BI-FURIOUS! (roar and flip a large piece of furniture over)

[Confused straight guy]: Bi women only do it to turn straight guys on

[Bi woman]: Pfft. (Rolls eyes) Don’t flatter yourself.

[Confused gay guy]: Yeah, when I first came out I identified as “bisexual” (in airquotes) too.

[Bi guy]: Yeah, and you’re only kind of a “giant asshole” (in airquotes) but I’m sure it’s “just a phase” for you too

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bi girls are just really slutty straight girls

[Bi woman]: Really? Because I go for months at a time without getting laid. I must be doing it wrong…

[Bi-negative Nancy]: You’re just saying that for attention

[Bisexual]: Yeah, that’s why I cower in the closet in fear around half the people I know. Ya know. For attention

[alternate response]: Nah, if I wanted attention I’d do this (Start some music, bust a move and become a Youtube sensation)

[Religious Bi-negative Nancy]: But it’s against God’s word- God made Adam and Eve…

[Bisexual]: (cuts them off) Yeah, God said Adam and Eve, so I did them both! I mean, it’s called the BI-ble, not the STRAIGHT-ble. Duh

[Bi-negative Nancy]: Bi people can never be happy in a monogamous relationship

[Bisexual]: Judging by the rates of cheating and divorce, straight people obviously can’t either

[Confused person]: So how does lesbian sex work?

[Bi woman]: It works very well 🙂

[Bi-negative Nancy]: I don’t believe in bisexuality

[Bisexual]: Yeah, and some people believe vaccines cause autism (or insert something else here) but it doesn’t mean that they’re right

[Bi-negative Nancy]: I think someone who says they’re bi is hiding something

[Bisexual]: Yes. We are hiding many things. The secret to eternal life. The location of Area 51. The Krabby Patty secret formula. All of it. (credit to helloimbritishletshaveateaparty on Tumblr)

[Super nosy person]: How far have you been with a guy and a girl?

[Bisexual]: Well, I’ve traveled with some friends of different genders… so pretty far I guess. (credit to caffeinatedfossil on Tumblr)

[Pan-negative Nancy]: Pansexuals are just bisexuals who want to be special snowflakes

[Pansexual]: (Laugh) Please. Like I need any help being this awesome