I was inspired to write about Bi folks in relationships because of a conversation I had with another Bi person recently. That person will, obviously, remain anonymous but one thing they said really resonated with me. The more I sat with it the more it bothered me. This person said their partner did not want them to openly discuss or express their bisexuality. However, they thought this was OK because they loved their spouse and wanted to remain in a relationship with them because they love each other.
Now, my marriage has had its ups and downs but if I felt I could not express or discuss my authentic Bi self I would feel as though I was in a cage. My self-esteem would definitely suffer. If my partner did not want me to be out to my kids I would feel as though I was living a lie. How can someone truly love me if they want me to be something other than I am!? A person who loves you, your most intimate partner, would never want you to pretend to be something you were not or to hide your lovely Bi light under a bushel basket.
This does not mean that by being out/visible I am trying to appear ‘available’ for relationships but rather to be anything but my authentic self is an unfair thing for anyone, especially the person closest to me, with whom I share my bed and my life, to expect.
I think it all comes down to the fact that too many people do not think of Bisexuality as a ‘standard’ or as ‘normal’. Given that the studies tell us that over half of the LGBT community is Bi (and, no doubt that number would increase if folks did not feel straitjacketed by the biphobia in the gay male and lesbian community) and surveys across the board indicate the number of Bisexuals are increasing (I would argue the actual number is not increasing but that younger people have no issues w/identifying as Bi) I am starting to believe there are far fewer monosexuals than previously acknowledged.
I am just fearful that Bis set the bar too low for their partners and are willing to accept invisibility for the sake of their relationships. Do we need our partners’ validation? We certainly don’t need anyone (including our partner) to tell us who we are or how we should live. Do we need acceptance/celebration of who we are? I would argue it is critically important and that we do. Our lovers, the people we share our deepest intimacy with, sometimes ask Bis to live a ‘half life’ and to be only a minuscule portion of who they are and by doing so live a lie. But why are so many willing to accept that our partners can dictate whether or not we can be openly Bi? For our sense of self and peace of mind we should expect, I would say demand, the person with whom we create a life should not want any one of us to hide our most complete, complex and authentic selves. If we don’t expect to be valued we won’t be; if we don’t expect to be celebrated, we won’t be; if we don’t think it is important to be visible; we won’t be — and then our entire community suffers because we feel as though we don’t matter and that there are far fewer of us than there really are. We cannot establish social relationships, we cannot communicate our truth, we cannot be proudly Bisexual if we don’t even expect the support of our own partner.
Perhaps this prejudice won’t be a problem as we move forward and younger people accept their sexual fluidity….it will just become commonplace to wholeheartedly accept your Bi partner. I just don’t think anyone (young, old, and everything in between) should ever have to be less than who they are. ❤
Please note: I would never encourage anyone to do anything they do not feel safe doing. I care about my BiFriends (and anyone else in an abusive relationship). If you are not coming out/do not feel safe coming out to your partner and suffer from an abusive relationship only do what you feel safe/secure doing. Here is the Domestic Abuse hotline if you need it: 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224. http://www.thehotline.org/
The Bi-Fi Signal 
I saw the exchange you had on twitter with the anonymous person and I have to say that there are a lot of….hmmmm…aspects to this topic and obviously I can only offer my own perspective. I know, when I told my wife that I thought I was bisexual, it was not received very well. A lot of her reactions were very…scared – she assumed I wanted to leave her for a man. I didn’t, but I did need to know that I’m not “odd”. But, she has also expressed that she would see me sleeping with a man the same way she’d see me sleeping with a woman: cheating. I can respect that.
But I’m not out. I’m probably never going to be out. I find the proposition of it to be terrifying. But I also know that my wife has a lot of concerns about image and how our family might be perceived, if we were to be open about my sexuality. We’ve made small attempts – we attended Pride in Denver this past year, but did not stay long. She will ask me questions now, about guys I had been with before we married. It has been more open that I felt I could have been at one time.
But, I can also see that there could be problems in a marriage where one spouse doesn’t want it out there that their husband or wife is bisexual. Granted, I think it has a lot to do with the “one-ness” of marriage and I think it behooves the bisexual to remember how difficult it was for her/him to accept this fact within themselves, because they are now seeing the same result going through their spouse. It was difficult for some of us, so it only makes sense that it will be difficult for the spouse – we must be compassionate to our spouse on this matter, because it is the VERY thing we need when we come to terms with our own sexuality.
Just my thoughts and opinions….
Very insightful and thought provoking post!
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You have shared your thoughts on being out before…and your fears….of course, we must give our partners time to process the information about our bisexuality, if we were not out to them prior to coupling up….that is just loving and compassionate….however, if they put limits on who you can be, our of fear of what others think….well, honestly, that smacks of cowardice…I cannot live my life based upon the potential outcome in the court of public opinion…again, just my thoughts and opinions…in addition, cheating is unacceptable (in my book) whether you are monosexual or bisexual….that behavior, again, smacks of cowardice and a poor moral compass….polyamory is different, in my view, and involves truth-telling and communication….but I digress…obviously, your life and your choices are not mine to dictate….however, i believe (given the prejudice with which Bis are treated) to stand up and be counted….to be fearless…you clearly disagree and that is your right….i included information about domestic abuse/violence resources as many Bis are mistreated in their relationships….I never ever want someone doing something which makes them feel unsafe due to my views/opinions….
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“… i believe (given the prejudice with which Bis are treated) to stand up and be counted….to be fearless…you clearly disagree and that is your right…”
I’m not sure that, accurately, states my opinion, but I do struggle articulating myself at times. My point is that I think it’s an individual choice – For example, (And I’m not assuming you would do this – I’m using “you” in the general sense), you would be over-stepping your boundaries to make being out a mandatory obligation, I think it is entirely the prerogative of the bisexual to say anything about it. Certainly, reading your response, I don’t believe that is what you are saying…
I admire the passion you have in promoting bipride. But sex, and sexuality, in general are sensitive subjects – even for “normies” and I know people who are absolutely horrified for other people to know they have sex, let alone, with whom. For some people, they just want sex to be a “normal” accepted fact of life with no need to discuss and share openly and publicly.
But ultimately, and I think you missed it, I agree with you – no one should be forced to diminish themselves. It’s mentally and emotionally abusive. Obviously, I wasn’t clear on that, because I accept that concept as an, obvious, fact.
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I love your post
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