I have seen a number of Bisexual writers/bloggers writing about being ‘messy’ Bis lately. I am not really sure what to make of that terminology. I guess, the idea is — ok, we can not be’perfect bisexuals’, we may not conform to a societal idea about how Bisexuals should behave. My response to that is why should Bisexuals be any different than ‘messy’ people of any other sexual orientation. We are all individuals, with different life experiences and have the right to live our lives as feels authentic and comfortable for us.
Bisexuals have every right to not consistently be their best selves. And, if by ‘messy’, folks mean playing the field, being polyamorous, being sexually free and curious, and/or not always being one’s best ethical self in relationships it is a thing that sometimes happens. However, it does not happen only to bisexuals simply because we can be attracted to our own gender and folks of other genders. And, these behaviors are not relegated to young people….folks of any age can sometimes not be their most evolved selves when it comes to romantic and/or sexual relationships. I would argue following the golden rule and treating others as you would like to be treated is always the best route, however, there are times when that does not happen. We should not berate ourselves for these behaviors simply because we are bisexual. We should learn from our experiences and try to be better people, and this is the case even if we may have a thing or two to atone for.
There are stereotypes about bisexuals which are not more accurate about us than individuals of any other sexual orientation/identity. There is no such thing as a perfect bisexual just as there is no perfect gay man or lesbian or straight person. There are folks in our community who are cheaters, use the excuse they are ‘confused’ to explain away inappropriate, immoral behavior, use people in a sexual way, and the whole nine yards of behaviors that are, at best, not nice or, at worst, immoral and unethical.
If we are promiscuous or polyamorous, that behavior alone does not make us ‘messy’ or bad people, but if we are unkind to other human beings then it does.
The truth is there are some bisexuals who really, truly need relations (of a sexual nature) with folks of multiple gender identities. This does not inherently make them ‘messy’ but how they address these needs could make them pretty awful.
Let’s not use language which diminishes who we are. We are real flesh and blood humans and being bisexual may create longings which we may or may not satisfy. That is up to us. What is also up to us is how we treat the important people in our lives. We should treat them with respect and maintain open lines of communication so no one is left in the dark.
We may not conform to heteronormative standards and that is just fine. We should be true to ourselves and recognize who we are and how we can ethically meet the needs we have. And, there are also folks in our community very happy, content and satisfied with a life long commitment to one person, regardless of their gender identity. We all belong under the same umbrella and should not judge each other for how we live our lives.
At the end of the day, we should ask ourselves if we are at peace with who we are and how we conduct our lives. If we are then what other people think should not matter to us. We have the magic of seeing a distinct beauty and sensuality in folks of many gender identities/orientations and we should embrace that. I consider myself very lucky to have that capability. I also feel I should hold myself accountable for my behavior. I should also be honest and transparent with my partner. That is only fair to both of us. ❤