Coupled, Bi and Coming Out.

Let’s say you’ve been married for some time, could be 5 years, could be 25 years, and you are finally accepting the truth that you are bisexual. You probably knew deep down for years, you may have known before you coupled up, but our society is heteronormative and marrying your high school girlfriend/boyfriend just seemed like the natural thing to do. It could be your marriage/relationship is very satisfying and you are not inclined to seek other partners but you’re hiding a very important part of your identity.
Or, another scenario… you were deeply attracted and enamored of your partner and had no thought of anyone else or anything else, you knew you had found your soulmate. Yet, as the years went by you found folks of other genders catching your eye and engaging your attentiveness. After many years, you want to take that feeling from fantasy to reality. However, you have never even considered broaching the subject you are Bi with your partner.
It could be you were well aware of your bisexuality prior to coupling and felt that you had found your person and others would never be on your radar again. Then, you met someone else who had your pulse racing. You had not discussed your bisexuality with your partner for years and this revelation would surely either surprise them or, you fear, cause damage to your relationship. You had both agreed to be monogamous and now you have other urges.
Folks in longer term relationships can experience their sexual fluidity in many ways and may or may not wish to act on their sexual or emotional desires. However, keeping them hidden causes severe emotional distress for most people. Keeping your sexuality under wraps because you don’t want to hurt your partner or because you fear their response is not uncommon. I just don’t think it is healthy, for you or for your relationship.
First of all, it is never wrong to be who you are. No human being should ever leave a part of themselves in the closet. People can make bad decisions based upon all kinds of things. One of those things can be sexuality but there is really no reason it has to be.
Honesty remains the best policy. While there may be hurt feelings and also repercussions it has not been my experience that anyone likes to be lied to. When you do that you do not give you partner the respect they deserve. There are times your partner may feel as though they are not enough for you, sexually or emotionally. This may or may not be true but the main thing is to provide them with the information so they can make the best decision for themselves. Not allowing them to do so is unfair. Hiding because you fear the outcome has no benefit for anyone.
There are times a person simply wants to be seen as precisely who they are. They may not wish to act on their feelings but simply have them acknowledged. Being honest about who you are can deepen a relationship. It can also open a relationship. I am not going to debate the benefits of polyamory, bi-amory, swinging, ethical non-monogamy, ‘friends with benefits’, etc over monogamy. That is a decision each couple must make for themselves. However, it really should be made. Cheating should never be the chosen option.
The decision to refresh or revamp a relationship may involve soul-searching, role-playing and trying to figure out how some desires can be met within the relationship. There are as many ways to address bisexuality within a relationship as there are couples. The only way you can make the decision is by being honest with each other.
It could also be that your relationship won’t last once you come out or make your desires/identity known. There is no way to truly predict the outcome of coming out, whether it is the first time you have done so with your partner or whether it is reminding them of who you are. The one thing I can predict is by being your authentic self you are treating yourself and your partner with respect. There is little enough of that in this world.


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5 thoughts on “Coupled, Bi and Coming Out.

  1. I have to say, I just started WP because of this exact issue. I have been with my husband 10 years, married for almost 4, and my bisexuality has never been an issue. He knew from the beginning, but I don’t think he really understands. But I love my husband, and never would I cheat on him. But have a more open communication. I came here to find others and I saw this post. So thank you. Maybe I am not alone in this….


    1. You are most definitely not alone. I get the impression your husband is straight. Mixed orientation relationships can be challenging. If you are on Facebook there is a Married Bi Discussion Group there. Sometimes there are useful, helpful conversations there.


      1. Yes, he is! I will have to look that up. What I have found on FB so far has been kind of childish, not so much helpful. Thanks!


      2. You will certainly find couples looking for a unicorn, and all the rest of that nonsense. I have zero problem with polyamory and if ethical non-monogamy is of interest the contacts are certainly there. However, there has been some thought provoking commentary on the FB page. I don’t know where you live but you probably should look for a Bi organization near you for a social outlet. It always helps to have folks nearby to just be Bi with. Communication is always key. Best wishes!!


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