Well, hello there. It’s been awhile. If you are like me this pandemic situation has been a challenge. My family has been relatively unscathed (my daughter did contract Covid) but I have friends who did not fare as well. First, I just want to send my best vibes to you and yours and hope you are well.
So, here we are in Pride Month. It really snuck up on me. I was not doing the usual planning for the Bi+ Group I organize as all in-person events were cancelled. This was wise, of course, but it still made Pride Month feel a bit, well, flat. None of the flamboyance and extravagance I so love.
It has also been challenging to not be able to connect with my local Bi community. Everyone was trying to handle things as best they could and it made perfect sense. However, it did not allow for the time and energy to make a virtual connection. For those who were able to stay in touch, I salute you. I was able to maintain a social media presence but that was about it. If my positive posts were a balm to anyone amidst this chaos then that was a definite win.
I have always said normal is just a setting on a dryer but we are moving toward something that is not total isolation. If we conduct ourselves with prudence we may be able to meet up with our chums in person again and that will be a very good day.
In the meantime, I will try to be a better and more reliable scribe and be in touch via this blog much more often in the coming months and beyond. And, as for you, I wish you the best celebration of who you are. A beautiful, valid, valuable, Bi+ human being who has survived this storm and will be out of Bi-solation soon. As the Bi-D card says your bisexuality has no expiration date and is always valid just like you!
Oh my gosh, we are coming upon a very romantical time of the year. Championed by florists, chocolatiers, wine sellers, greeting card companies, lingerie stylists and all other purveyors of gifties for your loved one(s). To be clear, one should show one’s appreciation for folks you love. I would never take issue with that. However, for those of us not particularly inclined to romanticism it can be a somewhat trying time.
I have a few tips for folks like me who are partnered but decidedly aromantic. It is not as if I don’t care but the societal trappings popularized to express your luv just don’t matter or mores o don’t even register with me. I am an admitted and avowed allosexual (is there a term for an uber-sexual, if so I don’t know it) but flowers and bonbons are not my love language. I prefer someone who listens intently to my utopian futurist imaginings, can hold their own in discussions about the best progressive political policies, shares my interest in the imagined world of magic, enjoys a good wine vintage, can cut a move on the dance floor and who listens to me when I say what I like in bed.
All of that said, those of us who are not transported by romance can feel a little like a fish out of water during the valentine season. However, we definitely exist. We can maintain long term relationships. We can love someone without getting all caught up in being or desiring a fantasized romantic ideal. We can deeply love and care for our partners but they can park sweet nothings at the door. Sometimes I think we are misunderstood and there is a misapprehension that we are cold and aloof. Nothing could be further from the truth but societal ideas about we should want, especially if we are womenfolk or femme just does not compute for us.
And, we are definitely in every sexual identity. I am Bi/Pan/Queer. I am sure there are straight folks and gay/lesbian folks who feel the same way. Aromantic sibs, I am declaring loudly and proudly, that we can skip the box of valentine chocolate and be accepted and embraced as folks who are not moved by such gestures. Our love and our lust is not in response to flowers given because it happens to be that valentine time of year. Keep your baubles and bangles. Engage with me honestly if you want to get with me…..lol….and just don’t expect me to get all starry eyed because I just never will.
For those who wait with bated breath for their lover/partner to wrap their hearts up with a bow…enjoy. For those of us who can take a pass I see you and I am you. ; )
Are you actively bisexual? That is the silliest and, depending upon my mood, the most annoying question I get asked. It stems from the idea that to be Bisexual I must be concurrently engaged in a sexual relationship with someone of all the possible genders in the universe. Not only would that be time-consuming (and, yes, it might be fun for awhile) but the likelihood of my finding that many folks at one time I would like to date is unlikely (not impossible, mind you)
Of course, when folks use the term ‘active bisexual’ they are, without fail, thinking of sex. They are also functioning from the mythical notion that all bisexuals must be sexually involved with all genders at all times. As stated above, that would mean I would probably not doing much else other than having sex. Could I do that? I like to think I still have a fair amount of stamina. Would I want to 24/7? Probably not. I do, in fact, have some other interests.
It is ridiculous to think that if I am not currently engaged with folks of all possible genders that I am somehow being ‘passively bisexual’. That is not an option. My sexuality is always flipped on. It is something I carry with my physical body everywhere I go. It does not mean I am attracted to everyone. It simply means my bisexuality is a fully integrated part of my being….like having blue eyes, or being radically left on the political spectrum, or being a musical omnivore,or being a bookworm. Bisexuality is a complete and total part of who I am as a human being and something I am never passive about.
This idea that Bisexuals are always sexual is demeaning and diminishing. Many of us think about sex, a lot. But, as stated above, it is not the only thing we think about. Seeing us as simply sexual beasts does not take into account the wide spectrum in the community (from aces to hyper-sexuals) and that all Bis have their own way to express their sexuality.
It can also be isolating to think of Bisexuality as only the sexual aspect of who we are. It is much more than that. It is our unique way of seeing the world and the beauty of individual humans. I can see a beautiful, sexy person without thinking of every single one of them as fuckable. Bisexuals are not predators and we take consent as seriously as people of other sexual orientations.
So, yes, I am actively Bisexual every single day and like all Bisexuals expect acknowledgement and respect for exactly who I am. : )
Since I wrote this post well over a year ago I have had a lot of time to reflect on this whole ‘actively bisexual’ business. I have see celebrities and others use inexact language when describing their sexuality and I have pondered the fluid nature of bisexuality. I have witnessed (but not participated in) more bi/pan dustups. When thinking over these things I have given a great deal of thought to my own sexuality with what has become a rather long view and what I think of how it lives inside my heart going forward. I have mentioned in the blog that I have been married for many years, quite a few decades, in fact. For a great deal of that time I have been monogamous, but not all of that time. And, my outlook/philosophy has always been polyamorous….even before I knew the word. It certainly did not make my own marriage any less valid or important to me. My spouse has always known who I am and viewed our relationship as appreciation not ownership. He has his way. I have mine. So, someone might think of me as only having been actively bisexual when I was involved with other partners. Again, I just want to reiterate, I don’t see it that way. And, in a side note, those intimate relationships may or may not have involved physical sex. There are a million ways to be Bi. ; ) My sexuality, and yours, if you are Bi and if I may be so bold, is in no way dependent upon whom you’re involved, dating, sexting, or having sex with. I just want to make a point, following by an exclamation point, that despite what others’ may say, what the media may portray, and the oft used term gay (lol) Bi folks are non-monosexual. If you are non-monosexual in your heart, soul, mind you are Bi (any term you prefer will do: Pan, Omni, Poly, no label, etc) and your activity does not play into it. That is my PSA for today but one I am sure I will return to over and over. ; )
Yes, I’m still here. And, to be honest, not completely alone as my partner of almost 40 years is here in bi-solation with me. I know how lucky I am to not be completely solitary in this pandemic world we currently live in. That said, I truly miss my connection with my local Bi+ community. Virtual just does not cut it for me.
This is just a quick resurface as I reflect on topics which may be of value to all of us during these trying times.
Personally, I have been very busy for the past several months so just a brief update.
We have been remarkably lucky given my spouse was a front line healthcare worker until just a few weeks ago. In our little household we did escape Covid. My daughter, who works in academia and lives on a college campus was not so lucky. However, she has recovered.
She is also deaf having lost her hearing in her early 20’s whilst she was in grad school. I have been learning ASL for the past 6 months and learning about the Queer Deaf community. I am taking various classes and spending a lot of time learning how best to communicate to those with hearing loss. I am also trying to educate myself about the Deaf community, in general. Not surprisingly, it has been eye opening.
I have also been doing a lot of reading on our own beautiful Bi culture. Hopefully, that will inform my blog as I try to do a better job of writing and sharing.
So, wherever you are, whomever you are, whatever you are doing I send the best Bi vibes your way. We may not be able to connect in person in most parts of our world right now but that does not mean we cannot hold each other in our thoughts.
Take care. Stay safe. Watch this space for more as time goes on. Sending you big Bi love.
It is really rare I let any social media commentary get to me. I am sure of myself. I am certain of my bisexuality. I have a very clear view of what is and is not ok when it comes to folks take on bisexuality. However, it really occurred to me how incredibly difficult it is for folks who may not have had the time and support to build a strong Bi+ foundation. How very heartbreaking it has to be to see your sexuality diminished and, sometimes, deliberately denied in the media. It does not really matter what your age although I do worry about the youngest among us. The young people who may be a bit uncertain about who they are but who are starting to understand they are bisexual.
In a nutshell, I saw a post on Facebook about a new trilogy of books for queer kids. Very promising, or so I thought, until I realized the trilogy was about a gay boy, lesbian girls and a trans kiddo. Trust me, representation matters and I was very happy to see specific picture books with lovely illustrations which showed queer kids. However, where was the bisexual young one? I asked and the author was more than a bit snippy about it. I was told if I had the money to publish a fully illustrated book about Bi kids to have at it. And, that the book about the lesbian kids could have had a Bi+ character as we should not assume about someone’s sexuality. When I asked if the narrative explicitly stated that one (or more) of the characters were Bi I was told no but that the young reader could come to their own conclusions. My response was that true representation did not involve interpretation on the part of the child. There were other comments I won’t dignify with placing in my own blog but suffice to say there was lots of laughter and derision at the expense of Bi+ folks and the kids we all were.
There are a number of things this underscores…notably, that Biphobia and Bierasure are alive and well. We have a long way to go for the larger LGBTQ community to accept Bisexuals despite (or maybe because) we are the Queer Majority.
As always, there are ways we can deal with the twin evils of Biphobia and Bierasure. First, remember how much you matter. How valid your sexuality is. I cannot emphasize enough that Bisexuals have been activists and advocates for the Queer community since the very beginning and we deserve respect.
Remember when you look good, you feel good and if you look Bi you feel Bi and you make it clear you are not willing to accept disrespect. Wear that Bi+ bling. You will look ultra fab, trust me on that. I know when I wear my Bi earrings or Bi t-shirts I so often get a knowing glance from another beautiful Bi and frequently get a ‘me, too’. Knowing we are out there matters a lot. You can truly make someone’s day when you are being out and proud.
Remember who you are and how many Bi+ folks have created culture: David Bowie, Freddie Mercury, Josephine Baker, Sylvia Rivera, Lady Gaga, Sara Ramirez, etc etc. We are everywhere and remember you have a legion of Bi+ beauties who live and love like you do.
Call people out when you hear biphobia and bierasure. Anyone saying Bi people don’t exist? Well, let ’em know you are here, queer and ready to stand up for yourself (safely, of course).
Always remember to take care of yourself. Whether it is reading positive blog posts (hint, hint) or following a positive social media account (I am on Twitter and Insta and sometime soon, I hope, TikTok) or reading Bi history or just taking a moment to appreciate the magnificent creature you are. You matter so much. So many more Bi folks are coming out every damn day. Our community is strong and getting stronger and more visible all the time.
Be kind to yourself. If you need to rage do it. If you need to cry it out, do so. Those emotions are not signs of weakness they are just signs that you are a real human being who sometimes feels fragile in a world that just does not elevate and celebrate Bi+ folks as they should do. It is totally normal to feel down sometimes. Just remember how noble you are, how noble all of us are and how we are here to change the world for our Bi+ sibs. Speak up. Speak out. Be strong. We can do this if we do it together.
The diversity of the Bi+ community always fills me with joy. We love without boundaries. Some of us have specific preferences, some of us don’t. Some of us are very certain of our gender identity, some of us aren’t. Some of us are monogamous, some of us aren’t. Some of us are out, some of us aren’t. Some of us are quiet, some of us are not. Some of us are activists, some of us aren’t.
We are a scintillating spectrum of Bisexuality. As a rule, we are folks who by our very existence push the limits of sexuality. We are trans, we are cis, we are non-binary, we are genderqueer and our preferences can be all over the map. Our preferences can change and shift throughout our lifetimes. Personally, I love how diverse we can all be but still belong under the shelter of the big Bi+ umbrella.
Is it sometimes challenging to have folks who have such differing ways of expressing their sexuality? I think some may think so but, for me, it is one of the things which has always made me proudest of my bisexuality. We all do Bi our own way and that is awesome. I get particularly enthused when I think of how many younger people are identifying as having a fluid sexuality. We are already the Queer majority but just imagine how are numbers will be growing in the coming decades.
Right now, it feels like a tipping point to me. More and more folks are coming out as Bi+ and it is becoming much more acceptable to do so. Is there still biphobia and bierasure for us to deal with? Oh, hell yes….I still want signs and t shirts to mention bi phobia in the same way they do homophobia and transphobia and remember that the B is not silent. I still want to have more funding for the LGBTQ community that is earmarked for the Bi community. I don’t want ‘research studies’ to prove we exist. We all know that. It is abundantly clear. However, I would love research to be done into the disparities faced by the Bi+ community and how that affects us psychologically and physically.
If you are out and being bivisible. Thank you. You never know whom you may inspire by being your badass Bi+ self. If you aren’t out and feel you can be, safely, then please consider coming out during our Bi Visibility month celebration. The more of us the merrier and so many of us are out here to support and celebrate you. Join us, there is strength in numbers.
Whenever I say this I hear Marvin Gaye’s song, Sexual Healing. If you have never heard it check it out on the YouTube or streaming music platform of your choice. Then grab your partner and start to ‘operate’. If you want a serious 80’s vibe watch the video. You can thank me later. : )
In a more serious vein, we are heading into almost 6 months of #Queerantine and the bi-solation is taking it’s toll. I think I speak for most of us when I say that. I am certainly feeling it.
There are far too many bisexual folks who are not part of a larger Bi+ community and operate on their own. This is tough because we are not seen, recognized, validated for our sexual identity. And, yeah, if our sexual partners are not part of our immediate circle we are, if we are responsible human beings, probably not seeing them in order to stem the tide of the pandemic. Challenging to say the least.
To be clear, I am not talking about sex here. As a community, we derive support and celebration from being with and seeing other Bi+ folks. Knowing that there are others who are on the bisexual spectrum provides us with validation and knowledge that we are hardly alone. It reminds us we are card-carrying members of the #QueerMajority.
This isolation might be felt most keenly right now as it is BiVisibility/Pride Month. A time when there tend to be a few more activities that support all of us. Not being able to participate in communal celebration of our bisexuality can make us feel very adrift.
And, then, there is sex, to be considered. Amiright?
Are all Bisexuals poly? No, certainly not. Are some of us? Yep. And, even if we aren’t polyamorous being set adrift without the camaraderie of our community is a major challenge. In regard to sex, we may have the answer right in our hands with various smart phone apps that can connect us. ; ) Is this a totally satisfying alternative? Not really, but probably the best pandemic option we have.
So, what is to be done. How can we feel more connected to other Bisexuals? I wish I had all the answers on that one. Luckily, there is the internet. Make us of it. Check in with other Bi+ folks you know just to make sure they are doing ok. Let them know, even in these trying times, you are representing our community all day, every day and in any way you can. If you are active on social media post positive and affirming messages about Bisexuality. You never really know whom you might reach and inspire that way.
Also, take a look online. I know the Bisexual Resource Center plans a virtual celebration of Bi Pride on 9/24! Check out their FaceBook page for more info on that.
We aren’t alone. We’ll be able to meet face to face again. In the meantime, wash your hands, practice social distancing and wear your mask. Sending lots of virtual Bi+ love to all of you.
I was inspired to reflect upon how Bisexuals are doing during these bi-solating times. It is a rainy day here where I live and this pluviophile not only loves it but loves the time for thought it allows. I mean, we already have so many challenges in building Bi+ supportive community I think this is another layer which makes connection that much more difficult. I know, for myself, as an organizer of our local Bi+ group I have had some moments where I have felt very alone….and that is with a Bi+ partner, Bi+ kids and Bi+ friends. Prior to the pandemic, I knew I would have the opportunity to see and connect with another Bi+ person (who was not related to me…lol) at least several times a month and I miss that. I can only imagine what it is like if you are not out and have not made any connections within the community.
Today is IDAHOBIT 2020. On this day only 30 years ago the World Health Organization finally stopped thinking of queer-ness as a medical/psychological illness/disorder. I was 32 at the time. I recall feeling elation that no one could call us ‘sick’ without our knowing that the international medical community did not agree. That was a watershed moment. Those of us who were Queer knew there was nothing wrong with us but it meant a great deal to see that corroborated.
I just wanted to let you know, my dear Bi+ friends, that this too shall end. We’ll come out of this strong. In the meanwhile, take some time to try to virtually connect with other Bi+ folks.
They have an email listed to contact and have ongoing bisexual virtual support groups available. Know you are not alone and the Bi+ community is still here, still queer and being safe to protect all of us. : )
I also encourage you to think on how best to find your community wherever you live. Bi+ groups are on Meetup and there are some regional organizations to touch base with. As always, do what feels right for you, be safe and be your glorious Bi+ self. I hope you will consider being as out as you can be safely and to step a bit outside of your comfort zone to make meaningful Bi+ connections. The more we see and acknowledge each other the more the larger LGBTQ community will be required to recognize our validity and our visibility.
Even if I am not writing often I think about y’all often. We are the majority of the LGBTQ community and our health and wellbeing matters, a lot. Sending you a big virtual Bi+ hug.
If you have a connection with Bi+ activism you will not have been able to miss the kerfuffle about the usage of the Bi flag. To be clear, I have not been directly involved but have been following developments as they have unfolded on social media. My inclination, without being a person in the midst of this, is to think that the current BiNetUSA President is acting like a bully and being reactionary.
The Bi flag is the property of the community. It is a rallying cry to show our value and our visibility. I often where Bi+ bling when I go out into the world and when I see a Bi+ sib we acknowledge each other. It might be something as obvious as ‘that’s me, too’ or just a quiet wink but we both get the message. Obviously, I encourage people react to what I am proclaiming in whatever way feels right for them.
I thought the idea of Virtual Bi+ Pride (a celebration to make us feel more connected right now) was a lovely one and something sorely needed in these challenging #Queerantine times. Of course, I expected that our colors would be liberally sprinkled throughout the festivities. And, why shouldn’t they be. Alas, there was at least one person who truly took umbrage at the whole affair. From what I have seen it truly sounded like sour grapes and gatekeeping. That is the last thing our community needs at this time.
I hope it has been made abundantly clear that this bullying on the part of the current BiNetUSA president is not acceptable or accepted by the majority of the community. It seems that the Bi flag creators are not on board with the territorial take on flag usage. I found that a great comfort. It made me worry a bit less about waving my Bi flag proudly as I try to keep working on creating safe space for my non-monosexual pals.
The bottom line is that unless you are a leader others want to follow you are doomed to failure. Circling wagons to protect someone who acts with disregard for others is never a good look. People make mistakes. I have certainly made my share. But closing down communication, excluding folks who disagree, and refusing to have a dialogue is not a good look for anyone and certainly not for a group that ostensibly represents a community in need of leadership which ennobles and enriches us.
I hope BiNetUSA (the President and those who remain on the board) will consider having a conversation about this incident and apologize to those hurt unnecessarily.
Bi+ community which is inclusive and evolving is so important. I know I would have loved to have national organizations available when I came out over 40 years ago. Our numbers only grow when people feel as though they are not confronted during disagreements. Otherwise, too many folks will be left out of the equation. Let’s do better bi all of us.
The truth is far too often Bisexuals are isolated. Dealing with the challenges of Covid-19 may make us feel even more so. For our part, we had started baby steps to create Bi+ community locally. Now, our meetups, activities, and events are suspended. Indefinitely. Health concerns aside this was something which was beginning to sustain many of us. To be in connection with other Bisexuals really meant something. Pride festivities are even postponed. This is often a touchstone for many of us in the Queer community. I had suggested in another post that we take the time to inform ourselves about our community and try to maintain connection virtually. We are moving in the virtual direction. That is as soon as we figure out to be as inclusive as we can be virtually. More on that to come. Stay tuned.
In the meanwhile, how about using our Queerantine status to watch television shows with Bisexual characters and storylines.
If you need something to keep that mojo working I highly suggest Sense8. Sadly, cancelled by Netflix it definitely had some of the most luscious, diverse humans to be seen and a twist and turn type storyline which definitely keeps you guessing.
Another great TV show with a kick ass Bisexual character is Brooklyn 99. Rosa Diaz is a tough as nails detective in the 99th precinct of the NYPD. Her coming out story was very believable and will probably resonate with many of us who have been there. They continue to weave her bisexuality into the storyline. Rosa’s sexuality is just one aspect of her personality, an important one make no mistake, but not the only thing that defines her. It is treated in a matter of fact way. It is just who she is….not overly sexualized, not sensationalized…she is just Bi. Plus that word is used liberally and that is important for the audience to hear.
For a fun-loving, sexy af pansexual look no further than Captain Jack Harkness on Doctor Who and Torchwood. I am a lifelong Whovian and I have loved it as queer characters have been seamlessly woven into canon. If Captain Jack does not get you firing on all cylinders it is definitely time for you to recharge. ; )
Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex Girlfriend) is probably one of the most charming later in life coming out stories I have ever seen. Darryl is a truly good guy and totally at ease with being a Bi guy. Bi men have a particularly difficult row to hoe sometimes and to see a character so at peace with who he is and so welcomed and supported by his friends and family is truly delightful. Valencia (another character) also later is Bi when she ends a relationship with her male fiance and later becomes involved with a girlfriend. The great thing is no one really bats an eye. Exactly how it should work. Enjoy Darryl’s very danceable video about gettin bi. It is a true delight.
Then there is GILLIAN FUCKING ANDERSON as Stella Gibson in The Fall. Feminist icon and kick ass detective she is a joy to watch. In addition, there are some truly torrid scenes to spice up your self-isolation. ; )
And of course, I would be remiss if I did not include Sara Ramirez’ Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy. This quote will always resonate with me: “So, I’m bisexual. So what? It’s a thing and it’s real. I mean, it’s called LGBTQ for a reason. There’s a ‘b’ in there and it doesn’t mean ‘badass’. Okay, it kind of does, but it also means ‘bi’.” For that alone, this Bi-fierce character is the stuff of legend.
Stay tuned cuz #BiRepresentationMatters. I will provide some more bi-watchable media in the coming weeks. Take care, my beautiful Bi+ friends!