Whenever I say this I hear Marvin Gaye’s song, Sexual Healing. If you have never heard it check it out on the YouTube or streaming music platform of your choice. Then grab your partner and start to ‘operate’. If you want a serious 80’s vibe watch the video. You can thank me later. : )

In a more serious vein, we are heading into almost 6 months of #Queerantine and the bi-solation is taking it’s toll. I think I speak for most of us when I say that. I am certainly feeling it.

There are far too many bisexual folks who are not part of a larger Bi+ community and operate on their own. This is tough because we are not seen, recognized, validated for our sexual identity. And, yeah, if our sexual partners are not part of our immediate circle we are, if we are responsible human beings, probably not seeing them in order to stem the tide of the pandemic. Challenging to say the least.

To be clear, I am not talking about sex here. As a community, we derive support and celebration from being with and seeing other Bi+ folks. Knowing that there are others who are on the bisexual spectrum provides us with validation and knowledge that we are hardly alone. It reminds us we are card-carrying members of the #QueerMajority.

This isolation might be felt most keenly right now as it is BiVisibility/Pride Month. A time when there tend to be a few more activities that support all of us. Not being able to participate in communal celebration of our bisexuality can make us feel very adrift.

And, then, there is sex, to be considered. Amiright?

Are all Bisexuals poly? No, certainly not. Are some of us? Yep. And, even if we aren’t polyamorous being set adrift without the camaraderie of our community is a major challenge. In regard to sex, we may have the answer right in our hands with various smart phone apps that can connect us. ; ) Is this a totally satisfying alternative? Not really, but probably the best pandemic option we have.

So, what is to be done. How can we feel more connected to other Bisexuals? I wish I had all the answers on that one. Luckily, there is the internet. Make us of it. Check in with other Bi+ folks you know just to make sure they are doing ok. Let them know, even in these trying times, you are representing our community all day, every day and in any way you can. If you are active on social media post positive and affirming messages about Bisexuality. You never really know whom you might reach and inspire that way.

Also, take a look online. I know the Bisexual Resource Center plans a virtual celebration of Bi Pride on 9/24! Check out their FaceBook page for more info on that.

We aren’t alone. We’ll be able to meet face to face again. In the meantime, wash your hands, practice social distancing and wear your mask. Sending lots of virtual Bi+ love to all of you.

I was inspired to reflect upon how Bisexuals are doing during these bi-solating times. It is a rainy day here where I live and this pluviophile not only loves it but loves the time for thought it allows. I mean, we already have so many challenges in building Bi+ supportive community I think this is another layer which makes connection that much more difficult. I know, for myself, as an organizer of our local Bi+ group I have had some moments where I have felt very alone….and that is with a Bi+ partner, Bi+ kids and Bi+ friends. Prior to the pandemic, I knew I would have the opportunity to see and connect with another Bi+ person (who was not related to me…lol) at least several times a month and I miss that. I can only imagine what it is like if you are not out and have not made any connections within the community.

Today is IDAHOBIT 2020. On this day only 30 years ago the World Health Organization finally stopped thinking of queer-ness as a medical/psychological illness/disorder. I was 32 at the time. I recall feeling elation that no one could call us ‘sick’ without our knowing that the international medical community did not agree. That was a watershed moment. Those of us who were Queer knew there was nothing wrong with us but it meant a great deal to see that corroborated.

I just wanted to let you know, my dear Bi+ friends, that this too shall end. We’ll come out of this strong. In the meanwhile, take some time to try to virtually connect with other Bi+ folks.

Check out:

http://stillbisexual.com/

They have an email listed to contact and have ongoing bisexual virtual support groups available. Know you are not alone and the Bi+ community is still here, still queer and being safe to protect all of us. : )

I also encourage you to think on how best to find your community wherever you live. Bi+ groups are on Meetup and there are some regional organizations to touch base with. As always, do what feels right for you, be safe and be your glorious Bi+ self.  I hope you will consider being as out as you can be safely and to step a bit outside of your comfort zone to make meaningful Bi+ connections. The more we see and acknowledge each other the more the larger LGBTQ community will be required to recognize our validity and our visibility.

Even if I am not writing often I think about y’all often. We are the majority of the LGBTQ community and our health and wellbeing matters, a lot. Sending you a big virtual Bi+ hug.

 

 

 

 

If you have a connection with Bi+ activism you will not have been able to miss the kerfuffle about the usage of the Bi flag. To be clear, I have not been directly involved but have been following developments as they have unfolded on social media. My inclination, without being a person in the midst of this, is to think that the current BiNetUSA President is acting like a bully and being reactionary.

The Bi flag is the property of the community. It is a rallying cry to show our value and our visibility. I often where Bi+ bling when I go out into the world and when I see a Bi+ sib we acknowledge each other. It might be something as obvious as ‘that’s me, too’ or just a quiet wink but we both get the message. Obviously, I encourage people react to what I am proclaiming in whatever way feels right for them.

I thought the idea of Virtual Bi+ Pride (a celebration to make us feel more connected right now) was a lovely one and something sorely needed in these challenging #Queerantine times. Of course, I expected that our colors would be liberally sprinkled throughout the festivities. And, why shouldn’t they be. Alas, there was at least one person who truly took umbrage at the whole affair. From what I have seen it truly sounded like sour grapes and gatekeeping. That is the last thing our community needs at this time.
I hope it has been made abundantly clear that this bullying on the part of the current BiNetUSA president is not acceptable or accepted by the majority of the community. It seems that the Bi flag creators are not on board with the territorial take on flag usage. I found that a great comfort. It made me worry a bit less about waving my Bi flag proudly as I try to keep working on creating safe space for my non-monosexual pals.

The bottom line is that unless you are a leader others want to follow you are doomed to failure. Circling wagons to protect someone who acts with disregard for others is never a good look. People make mistakes. I have certainly made my share. But closing down communication, excluding folks who disagree, and refusing to have a dialogue is not a good look for anyone and certainly not for a group that ostensibly represents a community in need of leadership which ennobles and enriches us.

I hope BiNetUSA (the President and those who remain on the board) will consider having a conversation about this incident and apologize to those hurt unnecessarily.
Bi+ community which is inclusive and evolving is so important. I know I would have loved to have national organizations available when I came out over 40 years ago. Our numbers only grow when people feel as though they are not confronted during disagreements. Otherwise, too many folks will be left out of the equation. Let’s do better bi all of us.

The truth is far too often Bisexuals are isolated. Dealing with the challenges of Covid-19 may make us feel even more so. For our part, we had started baby steps to create Bi+ community locally. Now, our meetups, activities, and events are suspended. Indefinitely. Health concerns aside this was something which was beginning to sustain many of us. To be in connection with other Bisexuals really meant something. Pride festivities are even postponed. This is often a touchstone for many of us in the Queer community. I had suggested in another post that we take the time to inform ourselves about our community and try to maintain connection virtually. We are moving in the virtual direction. That is as soon as we figure out to be as inclusive as we can be virtually. More on that to come. Stay tuned.

In the meanwhile, how about using our Queerantine status to watch television shows with Bisexual characters and storylines.

If you need something to keep that mojo working I highly suggest Sense8. Sadly, cancelled by Netflix it definitely had some of the most luscious, diverse humans to be seen and a twist and turn type storyline which definitely keeps you guessing.

Another great TV show with a kick ass Bisexual character is Brooklyn 99. Rosa Diaz is a tough as nails detective in the 99th precinct of the NYPD. Her coming out story was very believable and will probably resonate with many of us who have been there. They continue to weave her bisexuality into the storyline. Rosa’s sexuality is just one aspect of her personality, an important one make no mistake, but not the only thing that defines her. It is treated in a matter of fact way. It is just who she is….not overly sexualized, not sensationalized…she is just Bi. Plus that word is used liberally and that is important for the audience to hear.

For a fun-loving, sexy af pansexual look no further than Captain Jack Harkness on Doctor Who and Torchwood. I am a lifelong Whovian and I have loved it as queer characters have been seamlessly woven into canon. If Captain Jack does not get you firing on all cylinders it is definitely time for you to recharge. ; )

Darryl Whitefeather (Crazy Ex Girlfriend) is probably one of the most charming later in life coming out stories I have ever seen. Darryl is a truly good guy and totally at ease with being a Bi guy. Bi men have a particularly difficult row to hoe sometimes and to see a character so at peace with who he is and so welcomed and supported by his friends and family is truly delightful. Valencia (another character) also later is Bi when she ends a relationship with her male fiance and later becomes involved with a girlfriend. The great thing is no one really bats an eye. Exactly how it should work. Enjoy Darryl’s very danceable video about gettin bi. It is a true delight.

Then there is GILLIAN FUCKING ANDERSON as Stella Gibson in The Fall. Feminist icon and kick ass detective she is a joy to watch. In addition, there are some truly torrid scenes to spice up your self-isolation. ; )

And of course, I would be remiss if I did not include Sara Ramirez’ Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy. This quote will always resonate with me: “So, I’m bisexual. So what? It’s a thing and it’s real. I mean, it’s called LGBTQ for a reason. There’s a ‘b’ in there and it doesn’t mean ‘badass’. Okay, it kind of does, but it also means ‘bi’.” For that alone, this Bi-fierce character is the stuff of legend.

Stay tuned cuz #BiRepresentationMatters. I will provide some more bi-watchable media in the coming weeks. Take care, my beautiful Bi+ friends!

 

I doubt there is anyone reading this who is not aware of the Covid-19 pandemic facing the world right now. I live in the US and we are but taking baby steps to address, contain and try to control the virus. Other countries are facing the same struggles. I do not wish, in any way, to diminish the severity and importance of this crisis. It is serious and we need a surfeit of sanity to deal with it. My heart and soul goes out to anyone dealing with this. I can only hope this reminds us of the importance of community. Community really matters. Supporting our neighbors makes for warm and caring neighborhoods and it just mushrooms from there.

Community is on my mind due to the pandemic but also because it is Bi+ Health Month. I worry a lot about my Bi+ siblings. We suffer mightily from social isolation. We suffer from a feeling that we are not supported by the larger LGBTQ community. And, we often have the worst health outcomes of any other initial in the LGBTQ acronym.

Bisexuals are much less likely to be out to the important folks in their lives. Only 28% of Bi+ folks are out as opposed to 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians. This narrowing of our own community leaves us alone and without a supportive cohort. The reason more Bi+ folks don’t come out is rampant and relentless biphobia but the outcome of our unlikelihood to be out means we are isolated. This results in the next extremely sobering statistic that we are 4 times more likely to commit suicide than straights and 2 times more likely to commit suicide than lesbians or gay men. There are many reasons for this and certainly bierasure plays a major role.

My real intention here is to point out that even as we self-isolate to prevent the spread of Covid-19 we can reach out to our Bi+ community. We can learn more about ourselves and find more peace and positivity in coming out, even if it is only to ourselves. The first step in being authentic in public spaces is allowing ourselves to say who we are to ourselves in our private lives.

If we start with elevating and celebrating who we are in private we can start to take a small step from a closeted life to one brimming with connection. Then, while you spend time at home take the time to educate yourself about Bisexual history, notable Bisexual folx and the challenges the Bi+ community faces. There is a college of knowledge out there and you should take advantage of it (links included with this blog post). Knowledge is Power.

Start with Bi.org and the information about notable Bisexual/Pansexual/Omnisexual/Polysexual folks in addition to articles and resouces and ways to get involved in our community and it is there for the reading.

https://bi.org/en

More resources here and an informative blog….along with info and research about the community.

http://biresource.org/

Another excellent site:

http://www.americaninstituteofbisexuality.org/

This gives you a little something to start with as you wile away the hours at home. It is always constructive to learn more about your community.

For my part, I will be spending as much time as possible working on organization and outreach for my own little local group, Bi+ Pride Mke. We are small but we are mighty and growing Bi+ diverse and inclusive community close to home. If you are interested in what we are doing check out our website or our Facebook page.

 

https://www.bimke.org/

Beautiful Bi+ Friends, wherever you may be, stay safe, stay strong and stay healthy during this challenging time.

 

Once upon a time a little human was born. This little human was happy and healthy. The parents of the little human thought she was a girl. They dressed her in dresses and pink and patent leather shoes. Those clothes felt uncomfortable for the little human but that is what they had to wear so they wore them. They were often told ‘girls don’t do that’, ‘girls are quiet’, ‘girls are weak’, ‘girls wear dresses’. A little time passes and the human decides they like short hair, they like wearing pants, they know they are strong and they also know that they don’t seem to fit in….anywhere. A long time passes and the human grows up and even starts to grow old. They dress as they like, they act as they like, they understand who they are, they are loved exactly as they are  and they are very happy. The End.

 

Goodness, if only it had all been that easy. My gender journey was nowhere near as linear and simple. When I look at pictures of myself as a child I see the short hair, I see the more masculine gestures, I see someone who feels very uncomfortable in dresses but I don’t really see a gender rebel. I see someone who ignores the gender binary, who ignores expectations but I don’t see someone who actively flouts them. Getting to the point of feeling comfortable in my own skin, expressing who I feel as though I am in terms of my gender and finding language to express who I am took many long decades. It also took a vocabulary which helped expand and express who I am. I think of myself as non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid and, on some days, agender. I don’t feel particularly womanly but I don’t have a problem with the way my body is configured.

As a teenager, I refused to wear makeup, I would not wear high heels, I definitely stood out from the crowd at my all-girls high school as someone who did not fit in. I felt a little lonely but never felt as though anyone actively discriminated against me for how I chose to present myself. I was a little more likely to encounter bi-phobia than have someone question how I looked. I suppose, in retrospect, it could be that I was sort of dyke-y in my appearance and folks may have assumed I was a lesbian. Well, as much as folks in the mid-70s really thought in those terms regularly.

In college, I found some bi peeps and other queers with whom I hung out. I tried to express who I was, in terms of my gender, but androgynous did not really seem to match the abundant curves I had and using that terminology was something willowy demi-boys and demi-girls used. There just did not seem to be a vocabulary for who I was. Admittedly, being involved in ‘gay liberation’ as we called it back then took up a lot of my time and my sexual orientation took a front seat and my uncertainty about my gender sort of dropped off the radar.

As a working person, I ended up with a kind of ‘professional uniform’ which was mostly monochromatic, close fitting trousers, usually a white shirt or turtleneck or t shirt. Outside of work I expressed a dramatic flair that was not bound by gender, at all…berets, scarves, leotards, construction boots… I think it was my way of being a ‘character’ and by doing that no one expected me to look like a traditional female. It was about this time I started to feel that there was something missing in terms of language for how I saw myself and my gender. I spent time in the library trying to find a clue but didn’t. I am not sure I would have known what I was looking for but I spent time in the ‘human sexuality’ section thinking I might be able to find some information which would encompass me.

I married a cis gender man who never felt the need for me to be anyone other than who I am. There was comfort in that. We had three kids. My pregnancies were very easy and our kids were healthy. However, everything about pregnancy was sooooo gendered that for the first time in my life I felt truly dysphoric. I definitely felt ‘at variance’ with all the female terms and expectations pregnancy seemed to involve. Now, this was 3 decades ago and I know things have changed but while I found the pregnancies exciting and being a parent a welcome challenge the clothing and everything else associated with pregnancy just felt ‘off’. I managed by going back to more of a uniform look instead of the flowered and flouncy outfits available for most pregnant people.

And then slowly but surely, and thankfully, language started to expand. In high school, my daughter had friends who were trans and genderqueer. As always, if they were not welcome in their own homes they were supported in ours. I would hear them talking about their gender journeys and a great deal seemed to echo my experience. Even if, at first, the language and terminology seemed foreign to me I eventually had an ‘ah-ha’ moment when I realized that these young folx were experiencing precisely what I had done a long time ago. A feeling of discomfort with gender roles and a desire for a more encompassing universe for gender.  I started to see language which felt like a definition of me. Non binary, gender expansive, agender. I still was not sure where I fit in, exactly, but the language felt like home. I know I am not cis gender woman. I usually say I am a bisexual, non-binary woman. Although some days I feel more gender-expansive and some days I feel more agender. My gender is as fluid and on a spectrum as my sexuality. While this journey took a long time it is actually, still ongoing, and has definitely been worth the uncertainty. One thing I am certain about though….I am glad the language has evolved and is helping many folks, not just me, understand who they are.

 

 

 

Me: I’m Bisexual.
Other person: Are you…actively bisexual?
Me: Well, I am certainly not passively bisexual. In fact, I am being ACTIVELY BISEXUAL right now.
Other person: Oh, umm, ah….are you attracted to me?
Me: No.
End scene.
**************************************************
Are you actively bisexual? That is the silliest and, depending upon my mood, the most annoying question I get asked. It stems from the idea that to be Bisexual I must be concurrently engaged in a sexual relationship with someone of all the possible genders in the universe. Not only would that be time-consuming (and, yes, it might be fun for awhile) but the likelihood of my finding that many folks at one time I would like to date is unlikely (not impossible, mind you)
Of course, when folks use the term ‘active bisexual’ they are, without fail, thinking of sex. They are also functioning from the mythical notion that all bisexuals must be sexually involved with all genders at all times. As stated above, that would mean I would probably not doing much else other than having sex. Could I do that? I like to think I still have a fair amount of stamina. Would I want to 24/7? Probably not. I do, in fact, have some other interests.
It is ridiculous to think that if I am not currently engaged with folks of all possible genders that I am somehow being ‘passively bisexual’. That is not an option. My sexuality is always flipped on. It is something I carry with my physical body everywhere I go. It does not mean I am attracted to everyone. It simply means my bisexuality is a fully integrated part of my being….like having blue eyes, or being radically left on the political spectrum, or being a musical omnivore,or being a bookworm. Bisexuality is a complete and total part of who I am as a human being and something I am never passive about.
This idea that Bisexuals are always sexual is demeaning and diminishing. Many of us think about sex, a lot. But, as stated above, it is not the only thing we think about. Seeing us as simply sexual beasts does not take into account the wide spectrum in the community (from aces to hyper-sexuals) and that all Bis have their own way to express their sexuality.
It can also be isolating to think of Bisexuality as only the sexual aspect of who we are. It is much more than that. It is our unique way of seeing the world and the beauty of individual humans. I can see a beautiful, sexy person without thinking of every single one of them as fuckable. Bisexuals are not predators and we take consent as seriously as people of other sexual orientations.
So, yes, I am actively Bisexual every single day and like all Bisexuals expect acknowledgement and respect for exactly who I am. : )

 

Edit: This is a repost of an earlier blog post. Given it is Bi Health Month I think a little humor goes a long way. As Bisexuals we definitely have a challenge to educate but also to maintain our own equilibrium. Every one of us has to decide how much we are willing to provide regarding our sexuality, our sexual history, our relationship status and how we express our own bisexuality. We are under no requirement to share any of the above. The fact that we say we are Bi should be enough. It is for folks of other sexual identities/orientations. No one questions a straight person who says they are straight….whether they have been sexually active or not. It is simply expected that the person knows who they are. Bisexuals deserve the same acknowledgement and respect. So, my dear Bi+ folks, be yourselves because you are beautiful just the way you are.

 

Today is Martin Luther King Jr’s birthday celebration. I always take some time on this day to reflect upon whether or not I am doing enough for my fellow humans. For the past few years,  my focus has been on my Bi+ family. I had started out in Gay Liberation back in the 70’s and there were definitely other Bisexuals involved but they were not always loud and proud about their bisexuality.

It is important to acknowledge that Bisexual people have always been involved in the struggle for LGBTQ rights. There are some very notable folks in that history and I have written about them before. Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, were Bi+ trans women who were involved in the Stonewall Riot. Brenda Howard is known as the Mother of Pride for organizing the Christopher Street Gay Liberation celebration in June 1970. Stephen Donaldson, a Bi activist, organized the first Gay student organization called the Student Homophile League in the mid sixties. Bisexuals have never failed to support the struggle. Glaad has a wonderful synopsis of Bi activism over the decades and I recommend you read it. It is important to educate yourself on the contributions of Bi+ folks to the LGBTQ liberation movement as they are, far too often, erased.

We have a brand new year ahead of us. Another opportunity to express our sexuality as best suits us and to expand our universe by being bi-visible. There is always some way that you can shout your sexuality. They can be small ways such as wearing a Bi clothing or bling. There can be bigger ways such as organizing the Bi community locally. There are very personal ways such as coming out to one trusted person.

The main thing, and I am saying this for my own benefit as well as yours, is to do something. Large or small, loud or quiet….and if, nothing else, just be your Bi self. And, if over the next year, you feel the need to rest a bit, that is just fine. Take it all one day at a time. Be kind to yourself. It can be kind of tough to be Bi sometimes. We are not given our due respect. We are not seen even when we are shouting our existence. We seem to always be asked to explain ourselves. Even though who we are is not at all complex…we are people who can see and respond to the beauty of all people. It should not be that hard to understand but inexplicably it still causes confusion for non-Bi people.

If you can do it join a local organization for support and comradery. Make sure to follow some Bi+ sites and pages on social media. This all seems a little rambling to me but the main thing is to acknowledge within yourself who you are. If you are attracted to people of more than one gender you are non-monosexual. If you are non-monosexual you are a member of the Bi+ community. That acknowledgement alone is absolutely huge and monumental and important. So, at the very least, commit to be yourself and to not deny who you are. And, if you do that, activism and organization and community will follow!

Adding the link to the Glaad site for the brief but interesting Bi+ history lesson:

 

https://www.glaad.org/blog/us-bisexual-movement-biweek-history-lesson

 

The New Year is always a good time for reflection. Every one of us can benefit from taking time to think about what we have done, where we have been and where we are going. This past year has had some wonderful highs and some unfortunate lows. I always prefer to dwell upon the positive.

Being Bi is the aspect of my life which has brought me incredible joy but caused some challenges over the decades. I prefer to dwell upon the positive while not pretending the negative does not happen or does not affect me. I do have some plans/intentions for the New Year which I will share. If they are helpful to anyone else that would bring me great joy.

I intend to continue to be unapologetically Bi and Queer. This is not a change so much as a continuation of what I have been doing to varying degrees over the years. I will admit to some unintentional erasure which I have done to myself but those days are long over. Confidence in the way you present yourself really matters….or at least that has been my experience. While I find most people endlessly interesting I don’t need their permission to be who I am. If they affirm me that is delightful but I don’t need their affirmation to be myself. I have found the more confident and vocal I have become in my Queerness the more I garner respect from others, both queer and straight. It is interesting how rarely folks will challenge you if you look them right in the eye and own who you are.

I intend to do much more for my beautiful Bi+ community. This past year has seen tremendous growth for our local Bi+ Pride Milwaukee group. We were recognized at Milwaukee’s PrideFest by receiving a Pride award for our organization. It was a joyous moment for all of us. I was so honored to accept the award on behalf of  BPM and took the opportunity to comment on how the B has never been silent and has been an integral part of the fight for LGBTQ rights.  Sadly, we have continued to be met with biphobia and bierasure, very often from our own LGBTQ siblings. This is tremendously wrong and dispiriting. Our best response is to continue to affirm and support everyone who identifies as non-monosexual, no matter which label resonates with them. See prior comment about confidence….if we acknowledge our own magic for ourselves and each other we will demand respect. We are right to do so.

My plan is to find ways to grow our local organization and connect, at least regionally, with other Bi groups. I have started that outreach but there is much more to be done. The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step, or in this case, one email. ; )

On a more practical level I want to do more writing for and about our Bi+ community to counter much of the misinformation I see, far too often, in periodicals focused on the LGBTQ community. It is well past time for folks to say ‘oh it is hard and I don’t really understand bisexuality but I guess they are ok’ and move on to let’s celebrate the beautiful Bi+ community in all of their glory and let’s realistically look at the challenges we face, the research which needs to be done, the funding which needs to be given, and how to uplift the Bi+ community. I also hope to get a podcast in place to celebrate the amazing and joyful diversity of non-monosexuals.

I have quite a few other projects both for the Bi+ community, the Queer community and others that I want to pursue. More on that as the year unfolds. I want to walk more than I talk because the talk will take care of itself once my projects have come to fruition.

On a personal level I have a lot of growth I would like to see in myself as I take the first step and many more into the next decade. I want to rest when I am tired and take the time to return refreshed to the many issues of importance to me. I want to enjoy my family and friends without the kind of worry and anxiety I often experience. I want to acknowledge and celebrate the beauty which surrounds me. I definitely want to travel much more and try to connect with Bi communities wherever I go. We are all much stronger and more resilient together. I want to be a bit kinder to myself and know I have the ability to support myself as well as others.

I especially want to continue to celebrate, elevate and nourish myself as a Bi non-binary woman and shine my light for others who may have difficulty seeing the beauty in themselves.

All the love from me to you, my friends.