Ok, Bi+ Universe….I am looking for some ideas/suggestions.

I organize my local Bi+ group. Bi and large, I am the oldest person in the room at our events. I don’t mind being the sage elder…lol…but i often long to converse with folks closer to my age who have had a few more experiences under their belts.

I think this kind of group is important because Bi+ folks, of a certain age and experience level, have probably heard it all or at least most of it. By that I mean, the biphobia, the invisibilizing of their sexuality, the challenges that come with trying to maintain one’s Bi identity throughout the ups, downs and all arounds of life.

In addition, older Bis often have some unique challenges if they have never come out of the closet and may benefit from the support. I also like the idea of creating a sub-group in our larger Bi+ local community that can show younger folks that Bisexuality is not a phase and a beautiful, magical lifelong identity.

There are some groups for older Queer folks but, in general, they are comprised of gay men and lesbians. While we certainly would want to have a presence in our larger Queer community I also think there are unique delights and challenges for older Bi+ folks.

In addition, ageism seems to be the last discrimination society can employ with impunity and I think the cameraderie we could create for each other would be a wonderful template for younger Bi+ generations.

So, all of this said, I would love your ideas. What would be an appropriate name for such a group? I thought of Bi+ Platinum as it speaks to the value Bi+ elders should have in our larger Bisexual community. It has a little of a corporate credit card sound though….so, other ideas are truly welcomed. Silver Sages? Too witchy? I don’t object but others might. Bi+ Prime. It has a rather cool matrix type sound. B+ perennials? It gives the impression that we have ‘been around’….and that is certainly true. We have a long view.

Anyway, this is on my mind. I want to make it happen. It is on my vision board for this year….along, with a shit ton of other stuff.

I am just throwing this out to the universe and hoping inspiration will return. : )

In closing, Bisexuality is a lifelong gift. It does ebb and flow due to its fluid nature but it never goes away. It is always a vibrant part of our identity. Bisexuality should be embraced and celebrated no matter how old we are and I aim to create intergenerational Bi+ community that acknowledges and elevates the work done by our Elder Bis.

Stay tuned as I work on this project. : )

 

Should you come out? Only you have the answer to that question. If you were to ask me I would say it is definitely the best idea to bust out of that closet. It is stifling in there but I don’t want to sugarcoat it. I do know as a Bisexual it is not easy to be out. I also know that for me it has been worth it.
I came out at 17 and while, because I am Bi, that has meant I have had to come out over and over again it has also meant I did not fear someone might find out who I am and who I have always been. I had acknowledged my own truth, said the word Bisexual out loud and felt the warmth of authenticity which speaking that truth brought. Even if my Mother said I would grow out of it. Even if not every single person I passed on the street knew I was Bi. I knew and I had spoken it out loud. Here we are 44 years later and I can guarantee it was not a phase.
; )
Now, to be clear, because I have been married to a cis man for a long while many folks have thought I was straight. (grrrrrr) It has definitely been a struggle over the decades to make sure I made abundantly clear who I was. Guess what? Sometimes people did not believe me. And, I know, there have been times when I have internalized that bierasure and, in my worst moments, I felt internalized biphobia. Was I protesting too much? Did people not believe me when I told them I was Bi because deep down inside I was really not queer enough? Over and over I had to tell myself I was queer enough. There had been no change to my attractions even if my ‘married with children’ life looked heteronormative. I had every right to say who I am without fear and with the expectation of support.
I know there were times I thought my clever comments indicating I was Bi, which to me were totally transparent, were a bit too opaque for anyone else to catch on to. I beat myself up sometimes for not wearing a sandwich board every time I went out saying ‘This person is Bisexual’. Now my radical bi-visibility is impossible to miss. (don’t be disappointed in yourself though….it is not always an easy process so just take it easy on yourself!)
Truly, things have gotten better. There is more Bi representation in media today than there was 44 years ago…when as far as I could tell there was exactly zero amount. More celebrities and well known folx are out, loud and proud. There are more advocacy group specifically supporting concerns of Bisexual people. There is definitely more Bi bling, such as Bi Pride t-shirts and jewelry, which can do your talking for you. I literally dazzle with my pink, purple and blue!
However, we still face many disparities in the Queer community:
-Bisexuals have higher rates of mood disorders such as anxiety and depression than members of the Gay, Lesbian or heterosexual communities
-48% of Bisexuals have been the subject of hurtful jokes at work because of their sexual orientation
-29% of Bisexual youth are harassed at school.
-Bisexuals face an almost equal amount of discrimination from the Gay community as they do from the straight community
-Bisexual teen girls face higher levels of sexual harassment than their straight or lesbian peers
How do we combat this discrimination? I would argue the best way is by speaking our truth, coming out of the closet, finding our community and supporting each other. I say this knowing it may not be safe for everyone to be out. First, love yourself just the way you are. In my view, being Bi is magical. You can see beauty all around you in all types of people and that is an absolute superpower.
If you are reading this and truly do not think there is anyone you can talk to just leave me a comment. I can guarantee I will be in touch and help in any way I can. Even if it is just to listen to you say, ‘I’m Bisexual or ‘I’m Queer’ or ‘I’m Pansexual’. I am a safe place for you. It is usually just one step at a time but trusting one person is the first step.
Being Bi is amazing. Being Bi in community with other Bisexuals is transcendent. Take your time. Be out on your own terms. Just know we are here and waiting to welcome you.
There are resources/organizations for Bi folx and I will include just a few for you to take a look at:
Bisexual Resource Center: http://biresource.org/
Bi+ Pride Milwaukee (this one is close to my heart as I organize it): https://www.bimke.org/
BiNet USA: http://www.binetusa.org/
Ambi.org: http://www.ambi.org/

 

I just really have to get this off my chest. I have seen so much lately about how Bi women are really not ‘women loving women’ and that is simply and categorically UNTRUE.

I know that the common trope is Bi women hook up with other women for attention (from men, natch) and are not really in it for the beauty and wonder and immense satisfaction  that loving (and having sex with) another woman provides.

Decades ago, when I first came out as Bi I typically got this tired old canard from Lesbians. They were not interested in being in a relationship with me because I would just leave them for a man.  This is a tale as old as time and one I battled when I was a young’un. I don’t think it has changed very much at all.

My own story involves a woman I was very much in love with when I was in my early twenties. She thought we should move in together and I agreed. It was really my first ‘serious’ relationship and I kind of thought I had found the one.  However, on the off chance she did not know I was Bi I felt in the interest of honesty and transparency I should tell her. I really thought then, as I do now, it was/is so obvious I am bisexual but apparently it was/is not. Suffice to say, it did not go well. In her defense, she did give it some thought but her friends all told her I would cheat (with a man, natch) and leave her (for a man, of course).  I tried to argue, that while the future is always uncertain, I had no intention of doing any of the things my  future self was already accused of but, sadly,  it was no use.  I was crushed and crestfallen but also very angry. I always found it interesting Lesbians were so convinced Bi women were not capable of resisting the lure of a penis. One would think, as Lesbians, they would be  well aware of the great sex a woman can have with another woman and that they were, in fact, demeaning themselves with this ridiculous idea.

I keep hoping this little piece of mono-sexual bi-phobia will go away but thus far it does not seem to have done so. Perhaps, with a  current generation seemingly more in tune with the fluidity of sexuality and not held hostage by the prejudices of the past we will finally see this old misconception fade away. I will certainly raise a glass and celebrate if and when it does.

I came out as Bi at the age of 17. That was many years ago.

Here is what I heard.

• You’re probably just a lesbian.
• You’re confused.
• You  just like sex too much. Editors note: Really is there a too much on that one. 😉
• You just haven’t met the right man.
• Have you even had sex with a man/woman?
• How do you know?
• You have to grow up.
• Pray it away.
• That’s sexy. Wanna have a threesome?
• My boyfriend loves Bi girls.
• I don’t want to date you. You just can’t make up your mind.
• You’ll grow out of it.
• Could you have sex with me so I can try it out. Editors note: This one always came from allegedly straight women.

I could go on but you get the gist. A lot of things have happened in the years since that day but suffice to say it was not a phase and I am still as Bi as I have ever been. I started using Twitter this year and what I found is very little has changed since I came out. Bisexuals still face the same Bi-phobia I did and, in some ways, it is worse because due to the proliferation of social media there is intentional ‘outing’ of those not quite ready to make their sexuality public, there is cyber-bullying, there is cyber-stalking. It almost makes the Bi-phobia I faced seem ‘quaint’ in comparison. However, the truth is that Bisexuals still struggle with their identity, still spend more time in the closet than gay men or lesbians, have a higher suicide rate than gays or lesbians,  and have difficulty finding a supportive community. It felt good, even in an online forum to dispel some of the toxic assumptions that cause so much pain and heartache for the Bi community and so I decided, perhaps, I could provide the same support in blog form to young Bis, to those just coming out at a more ‘seasoned’ age, to those who don’t have Bi friends in their geographical location or to those just tired of all the ‘weird bi-phobia’ that we have to put up with all the time. It also felt freeing to do so without the 140 character limitation. 😉

There are a zillion blogs out there…some that’ll help you with sex questions/some providing information about polyamory/some strictly political in nature/some with answers to kink questions/the list goes one. I don’t purport to be any Bi expert but I have been around a while and maybe (I hope) I have accumulated a little wisdom on the subject. This will probably be a mix of political/social information, hopefully some laughs,…but most importantly support for those struggling, those doing ok but could be better, those tired of the anti Bi bullshit, or those just looking for a place where it is absolutely ok, no…fantastic to be Bi. In my view, being Bi is a gift, a joy, a delight, a superpower and I would not change the way I am for anything or for anyone!

When only 28% of Bisexuals come out as compared with 77% of gay men and 71% of lesbians (per 2013 Pew Research Center survey) we know there is a serious problem. Bis don’t feel safe. Bis don’t feel supported. We have to work to change that. My personal solution is ‘radical visibility’. I make every effort to make sure the people in my life, the people at work, the people I come in contact with on a regular basis know that I am Bi. It may seem a small thing but almost everyday I have an opportunity to say nothing or say something. I choose to say something. I choose to speak for those who don’t feel they can.

If anything I share helps one person, supports one friend, heals one heart then my mission is accomplished. I just hope I can do more. ❤ Together we can create a community where Bis feel supported and where they feel safe enough to be visible.

Dear Bis. You are valid. You matter. You are important.  I see you. We can do this. ❤